train of thought

I need to do laundry. And the dishes. And wash the bathroom. And a dozen other things too, now that we’re at it. And since J is coming over TOMORROW, I also need to clean the bed in the front room, which could seriously use a good tidal wave (unless I want him to find things his pure pederasting eyes don’t want to see*), yet all I’ve been doing all morning is downing coffee with Pringles (that’s some hell of a breakfast, by the way, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise) and reading blogs.

Shit. It’s 12:15 already. I should’ve been out of the house an hour ago.

We have a wine tasting at work later, which means I would have to haul my ass there earlier than usual. Without pay. Tch.

In normal circumstances I would’ve poked my own eyes out giddily to ‘taste’ wine for free, but with all the things I need to be doing I think I’ll need to pass on this one. The thought is more painful to me than it is mentally healthy.

No matter. I can always drink and clean at the same time – it’s all about multitasking here, people!

Pip pip!




* Luvs, dahling, but there’re just certain things friends don’t need to visualise, ahem...*winks seedily*

little bunny foo foo

Wine is good. Wine is my friend. Makes me happy without the headache. Very good.

Blond Monkey is setting up a blog for his artwork at the moment and for some reason it makes me queasy. The reason might be that, oh I don’t know, he is not exactly aware that I also have a blog. Myself. And when he asks me what I think about layouts, whether I’m familiar with html or not, or if I have blogger account, well, I’m not quite sure what to say.

I end up lying, obviously, because, tch, I’m far from being sane enough to have him know every single thought that farts through my brain. The much that he knows is more than I ever imagined letting anyone have to hold against me as personal information, or believed laudable with such loving indulgence, really. I’d rather not push it. He, however, freely gives me his passwords & pin numbers, and I’m not sure if that makes him utterly naïve or me a complete untrusting biatch. Or both. Opposites attract and all that. Or perhaps birds of the same flock as we are both a little screwed up?

Ooh! Pizza’s here!

Cannot process more coherent thought now.
Am officially drunk.

Buhbye!

my home ghost

It’s a really bad sign when you can’t enjoy the one thing that has always cheered you up.

Whenever I reach That Point – when I can break out in tears, turn to pyromania and/or slice various things, living or otherwise, that fall upon my path – a nice meal, on my own, always seem to keep me away from your evening news. Yes, glorious, life-saving, food.

But as I took a bite of that wonderfully baked garlic champignons with spinach and cheese à la raclette, tears welled up. And not just because I had burned my tongue.

“How izcit?”, the very pretty French waitress asked me in broken English. I nodded as I squinted one eye (the teary one) and tried to create an air passage to ease the burn in my mouth, and created instead a burn in my throat (because it's impolite to eat with your mouth open, especially when someone is talking to you.) Seemingly satisfied to make her customers painfully pleased, she walked away and seated a loud couple a few tables away from mine.

He’d enjoy this, I couldn’t help thinking to myself.

From where I sat, I couldn’t tell what my new fellow diners looked like but they sounded slightly, for lack of a more flattering word, pudgy. There was weight and heaviness to their tone - hoarse and tired, for all the volume exuberated. Their cheerful chit-chat quickly turned to growing resentment as my steak, perfectly rare, with frites & watercress, was presented before my hopeful hunger. “I know you don’t like them, but they’re still my family!...”, the lady spoke out, so defensively, I turned my head. She had curly hair. “And there’s no need for you to be so rude! Especially in front of me!”, she continued.

So some couples have more serious issues....

Still, the thought didn’t help me enjoy as I could this 7oz of juicy dead meat, the sweetness of which hasn’t melted in my mouth in months. Bastard. Because as I sat there, sipping the nice glass of red and guiltily amusing myself in eavesdropping, I know he is at home, sulking in his bowl of homemade fried rice. And though his fried rice is pretty good, somehow indulging an overpriced meal out without him, in spite of him, just doesn’t seem fair. Even if he started it. And slammed the door behind me when I continued.

“Fucking bastard”, the pudgy-sounding man shouted in tandem, but unrelated, with my head. He then mumbled something underneath his breath, quite angrily I noted, and shuffled loudly various things, the salt and pepper grinder probably, on the table. “And that’s how you speak of my family…”, surly curly lady sadly pointed out. An icy silence ensued, interrupted only intermittently by the restaurant manager asking the pretty French waitress to clean up just as the last customers left so they could all leave sooner, to which she replied ‘it donne madderre to mi - shure, but it donne madderre eder wé…’.

It doesn’t matter indeed.

I finished my steak, satiated, asked for the dessert card but didn’t order any. “I’m just going to finish my wine, thank you”.

I just wanted to go home. Wherever that was.

ball cap*

After five months in The Second Most Expensive City IN THE WORLD, I think I’m finally getting the hang of it. But why aimlessly & disorderly ramble on about it when I can use subheadings to fart out air of deluded self-importance? Yeah!

(Even though I’m sure as I type this, I have jinxed everything and will be ridden to bedrest, run over by a mental bus driver & infested with a new form of malaria. It is London after all.)

1. Slaving for the Man Pig

Back home, I worked in a relatively nice restaurant in the heart of one of the trendier places of the city. After six years, and though I met and befriended some lovely folks there, it’s not exactly a place to work on a daily basis if your mental health is so intricately dependent upon your Faith In Human Beings. So you have to ask yourself, why in the name of sweet baby Jaysus have I found myself in one of the busiest and ‘trendiest’ joint in town?




Don’t look at me.
I’ve been punched in the face.**

Also, as I’d hate to ‘bite the hand that feeds me’ (or some other proverb, maxim, aphorism or witticism – you know, one of those, I can’t b e bothered), it is kinda exactly what I’ve asked for, innit? And despite having to deal with people who seem to have bitterly overgrown their nappies & become vaguely aware that it would be somewhat frowned upon to be seen breastfed by their mummies, answering questions to which you’ve already explicitly replied, demands that boggles any human logic and rudeness that brings about the Godzilla within about 50 times more than what you deem should be the legal amount allowed before committing random acts of violence - with compliance and a warm smile! - it is actually not that bad…. (Aside, of course, for the slight twitch I’ve developped in my right arm from restraining it to swing forth.)

The food is purdhy awesome – and free *winks* - and the entertainment from the ubiquitous love affairs, cliques, backstabbing, whisperings and glares is completely fabulous if not completely exasperating.

And I did get to see Hugh Grant.

Complain not lest ye be judged, I say!

2. Being A Consumerist Whore

Portobello market’s insane and TopShop is pricier than it appears. But for the little time and money I’ve had in my name I somehow managed to buy five pairs of shoes/boots since I’ve been here. Count it – one, two, three, four, five – five pairs of shoes/boots in one, two, three, four, FIVE months. (That’s one per month without food, for those out there who’s counting, thank you.) Granted, I’m a long way from becoming Carrie Bradshaw, but foregoing basic survival instincts to, say, live, in exchange for footwear? T’is my new life aspiration!

Seriously. Never have I been surrounded by so many beautiful, comfortable and affordable shoes in my life. Yes, affordable. And comfortable. And did I mention gor-gei-yuuuusss? Forget Mr. Effexor***, give me pumps any day!

You see, the great thing about London, fashion and design are embedded in every corner. Paris is prettier, Florence sweeter, Vienna greater, New York grittier, in my humble opinion, but London’s art culture is within its guts. There’s an artistic urgency here that I’ve never quite felt anywhere else. It’s overwhelming, really. The sheer number of vintage shops, independent music shops, cooky designer products shop, art galleries and art schools and art bakeries and art-this and art-that, is mind-numbing. I never really considered myself to be a small town girl, but ma’, we certainly ain’t in Kansas no more!

Here are just some of the cool places to look for, like, cool stuff I've managed to take in:

• magma: I never quite know where it is located, or exactly how to get there as all the times I’ve stumbled upon it I was lost. But it’s in Soho, and if there’s only one thing I learned here is that every road leads to somewhere awesome in Soho. The flagship is a bookstore that carries cooky arty/design gems I’d all buy if I had the money, while a few steps down the road you’ll find one filled with a buncha cool cards, gadgets and decorations. Utterly useless stuff, yes, but my, how joy-inducing!
  
  
• fopp: Again, another awesome store in Soho. Originally a Glaswegian retailer, it provides books, music, dvds for a fraction of what one of those Big Megatstore offers. One can spend days there rumaging through their floors for big names or dodgy elitist shit. It’s like an music geek’s wet dream and it makes me slightly regret I grew up with Wham! instead (damn you, Big Sister, damn you! *fist to the sky*)
  
  
• Grant & Cutler: Biggest European bookstore I know, right behind Oxford Street, that carries French books. They have piles and piles of books over shelves stocked to the electrical-wired open ceiling. It's neither corky nor pretty like some other smaller bookstore I’ve seen but it feels like one of those school libraries where I used to skip classes to linger in and spent literally hours reading about authors whose works were covered in the same lectures I was incidentally missing. It makes me all warm & gooey in the inside.
  
  
• Marks & Spencer: I get it. I really do. M&S is not just another big chainstore– it’s a wonderful chainstore. And all because of their rasberry & marscapone cake. *drools* For some 4 quid, you can easily ascend to crusty sugar heaven and would pledge undying devotion to its makers with just one bite even though one bite is surely not enough. Unfortunately, others seem to have found this glorious treasure as it is rarely on the shelf for long. *pouts* Even so, like Tom Cruise, I can’t possibly keep such a holy revelation to myself, so just make sure to save me a piece if you ever get your hands on it (no forks needed, thank you).
  

Hm. Speaking of which, why not skip right along to…

3. Eating Until the Fat Lady Blows Up

The consensus seems to be that English food is shite. And I wouldn’t argue much against that had my stomach not been a rubbish bin. Also, it is not so much all English food that are a tad below international par – its pies and cakes and biscuits are absolutely divine.

What is quite special here however, in The Second Most Expensive City IN THE WORLD, is its gastronomical variety. Aside from Chinese & Vietnamese food (oh! My kingdom for a decent phở!), Asian food here, particularly Korean & Japanese, is freakin’ awesome! And if you feel like some Indian, any restaurant you encounter every two buildings can beautifully accomplish the task, let me tell you.

On the European front, a south Italian restaurant, arancina, offers cuisine that makes me drool sexily with longing every two hours, offering seasonal seafood and pasta, a whole range of sweet creamy goodies and friendly local staff. There’s also this belgian bistro I’ve recently found, Le Pain Quotidien, that serves the best in house coffee with fresh cold meats & veggie platters, all served with homemade bread and is, with free internet, my semi-permanent residence.

It wouldn’t surprise me if I needed to buy an extra plane ticket to fit the excess fat I’ve gained when I’ll fly back home. Luckily, I can’t be bothered. Specifically because my brain is busy concentrating on chewing, digesting and making more room for more food. I heart my brain.

4. “There’s nowhere like home.” (Especially if it’s cheap.)

I’ve moved out from The Oestrogen House. Not without a little regret, I must admit, as for the last few weeks I was there, some of the girls have managed to melt my cold barren heart. But when mice moved in, I figured no warm fuzzy human feelings can over-compensate my over-priviledged sissy repulsion towards rodents nesting in my bathroom and fled the fuck out of there.

I am now living in walking distance of Notting Hill, Holland Park, Kensington Gardens and Portobello Road, with every convenience food shop and restaurants I’ve ever craved for right around the corner. And I’m paying a lot less. And it’s in zone freaking 1. It’s freaking awesome.

So awesome, in fact, you feel like there has to be a drawback somewhere…

Like, I don’t know, living with a cat. When you are acutely allergic to cats. But, with the pros being what they are, I figured one just needs to hoover a bit more often and buy more tissue paper. Or, you know, kick said cat.

Or then again, you discover you are highly propelled to kick instead the person you live with, who just so happens to share not only an enclosed tiny space but also a bed and a romantic liaison with you...

Would that be rather inappropriate, you reckon?

No, really.

5. The arh-gn-gn-gn-gnargh Relationship Thing.

Somehow, all the above has blinded me to the fact that (a) I seem to have acquired what some might refer to as a Boyfriend *shudders*, and (b) I am now bewilderingly living with said Boyfriend *gags*.

Yes, I’ve moved in with the boy who was featured in such previous episodes as this, this, and this one too, and that one as well, and ouh! let's not forget this one! Which means, in addition to all the benefits already mentioned, I get the luxury to see him and his strange boy-habits, day in, day out, twenty-four-freaking hours a day, and somehow still want to shag him senselessly. A feat, dear virtual friends, that test the very limits of my sanity.

We have now passed beyond the Farting Stage, Shaving Stage and Having Sex Every Other Three Seconds (Or However Long It Is For Him To Go Again, Ahem) Stage. Frankly, I quite enjoy where we are – the amount of effort, time and energy I am saving from keeping my body primmed and proper can probably get me through a doctorate degree in Astrophysics.

Or, you know, cleaning.

*tears hair out*

Okay.

I. Am. A. Clean-freak.
I know this. This is me taking responsibility, okay?

Great. Can we get to the part where he drives me fucking insane?

By putting the cheese grater back in the cuboard, full of cheese on it?
By covering the stove with dried sticky tomato slices right after I cleaned it?
By piling the rubbish bin so high it becomes the fucking ninth world wonder?
By discarding bottle caps and lids god knows where so the kitchen emits a cheesy-garlic-ketchup smell mixed with cat food?
By leaving my body towel by the bath tub – WHERE THE CAT GRAZES BY?

I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY! THE MAN IS OUT TO KILL ME!!!

*takes a deep breath*

Right. So maybe he’d have some darn good reasons to plot my demise, and sure, these are relatively 'little things'****.

But... aren’t these 'little things' just ramifications of how he behaves generally? That when push comes to shove, he just doesn’t fucking care enough to do anything? And instead, just bows down, defeatedly, gives up, looks the other way? Out of laziness? That when it comes down to it, he doesn’t have what it takes?

…For what?

...For me?

... How the hell did I become this kinda girl? The kind of girl who needs – demands! – that Love, with the proverbial capital ‘l’, should be proven, challenged & conquered? To transcend somehow? How did I, the girl who is weary of relationship and all its by-products, have such naïve romantic beliefs about ‘Love’? And more importantly, what if my love for him isn’t unconditional?...

*rocks back & forth in dark corner*

Um, yes. All this brought about by ‘little things’. Like him not doing the dishes. Or leaving his dirty socks on my clean undies*****. Neurotic much?




And then... he’d say something like, ‘Should I start tap dancing now?’, and I melt with laughter like a pile of dungshit in an overheated oven, all over again.




I hate relationships******.






* So when I said 'jiffy' I forgot tot take into account that I was also A Lazy Bum. Apologies. I know you were all anxiously biting down your nails, painfully awaiting for an encompassing update. To pardon myself, click here. Carry on.
** Nope, that’s still not getting old, I’m afraid! *thumbs up*
*** Speaking of which, I am weaning myself down to now 35mg per week!! Huzzah! It’s been a long & winding road, but that’s another post for another very fickle day...
**** And there are other 'little things' too – little things that my brain must erase from memory immediately as to keep itself from sucking itself dry out of sheer mercy. (Shush. What do you mean, do I exagerate a bit?)
***** No, but I mean, that’s enough to make me gauge my eyes out.
****** In a ‘not really, not even a little, not at all kinda way’. (Help. Me.)

christmas is going to the dogs

He cooked a mean piece of rosemary stuffed roast pork with parsnips and potatoes for Christmas night, the leftover of which we had as sandwiches, picnic style, the next day. We had had vegetable curry – his mum’s traditional meal – on Christmas Eve. There was wine. And music. And candle lights. There was also lots of love. And kisses. And laughs.

He managed to spend the entire day without trousers on. You gotta love someone who can make a deliciously debilitating meal without any pants and still be completely sexy.

He said he loves me. That he wants to make me happy. He said he’d shave his cat for me...

And me? All I can do is miss the snow, my crazy family and think how much I will miss him when I go home.




Next year, I want to learn how to be happy please.




A very good one to you too.

*cheers*

the good, the bad and the queen

Just crashed back into my comfortable clean fluffy bed with a facial after some five hours of carpooling [insert deep moaning of satisfaction], and already here for your long awaited hearts, I know, are some pictures from my few moments of sobriety. Because I’m considerate like that.

Not China Town.

Could you hear the angels sing?





... slurrrrrp.



I kinda blacked out My batteries died after this.



But there were mostly lots of this I presume:


And this:


And a bit of this:
[pictures from enkidu.netfirms.com]
Yeah. My camera and I always miss out on the fun.
*pouts*

To be noted however that I did not get intimately acquainted with any toilet bowl during my off-camera performances nor did I want to behead The Brother-In-Law even once (there was perhaps a moment where I did want to slap him, but t’was definitely not a Backhand Slap, so hurrah!), and no pants were ripped apart nor any stomach unladylikely exploded during the ingestion of so much delectably awesome foodies.

I know. My Sainthood application is already in the mail*.




* Just don’t mention I spent over my very idealistic 20$ weekend budget on some smokin' cute shades (WITH MY EXPENSIVELY DISCRIMINATORY BLIND-MOLE PRESCRIPTION INCLUDED!) for only the THIRD of the what I’d normally pay elsewhere! Them crazy Chinese, I tells ya! Am now left but to wait - with utmost patience - until they arrive here in a week. And with that, I’m back on the Sainthood list.

ice cream

Have you ever had one of those crap days that starts out with shit hair only to degenerate from there? Where all the busy plans you set out to do miserably go to the dogs because of painfully little annoying details, and it all ends up being utterly useless, g'ddamit?! So you think "hey, this certainly calls for some retail therapy!" yet NOTHING quite does the trick, and once you find something remotely cute it is so wickedly overpriced that by the time you get to the counter you stomp off bitterly as there is no possible way you can spend 50$ on a dress you're not really even in love with!? And on top of that little hot sundae, every single two-legged specimen walking in front of you is somehow so piercingly eager to be competing in a snail race & keeping you from pacing in the rhythm of the music that keeps you so thinly sane thus far that at the last possible minute on your way home from a completely wasted day, you decide to jump out from the metro wagon just as it is closing its doors, resulting in you struggling to pull half of your body out with all remaining flesh while passengers' eyes are on the amusing aping spectacle that you've become, just to go watch the comical [and hopefully putting-life-in-perspecive] relief Knocked Up, but where, of course, upon your arrival, you have missed the entire previews [or your favorite part of going to the movies - aside sitting alone in the dark for two hours, you crazy person you], bc the nice little lady in front you at the candy store WANTED A REFUND FOR AN EMPTY LOLLY BAG, and when you finally settle into your seat with enough snuck in chocolate to make Willy Wonka murderously jealous, you realise that you're sitting next to deaf grannies who need to repeat EVERYTHING back WRONGLY to one another, AND WHAT THE HELL ARE GRANNIES DOING WATCHING FREAKIN' KNOCKED THE FREAK UP ANYWAY?!!

*breathes*

However, as you are positively a most easygoing & gentlest of creatures, you gracefully let it all ride over you and concentrate on the absolute hotness of Katherine Heigl & the uber deliciousness that is Paul Rudd, and behold! fifteen minutes in and you're already laughing and [almost] forgetting your lousy day away! Yay! And then you come out in the new light of the evening sun with the feeling that, "y'know, life is shit, and life doesn't give a damn that you've made plans, but all you can do is just... deal with it!" Huz-zah! (With a little 'Oh', as you needed a Hollywood movie to remind you of that.)

So, yeah, you deal. With a double scoop of chocolate-chocolate-chips ice cream in a dark-chocolate-dipped-chocolate-waffle cone. And if a bad day can be solved by a double scoop of chocolate-chocolate-chips ice cream in a dark-chocolate-dipped-chocolate-waffle cone, then it's not that bad of a day after all, is it peepster(s)? I thought so.

Carry on, then.

au gré des saisons

I have been feeling "less than giddy" lately but somehow my beloved sister successfully talked me into going to the cabane à sucre with a few of her friends. As much as I wouldn’t like to take anything away from her impressive powers of persuasion, promise of endless maple syrup (perhaps) had something to do with it....

So at 2 p.m., prepped up in my Outdoor-Woodsy outfit (yes, i name my outfits... what?) , I apprehensively stepped out into the cold wind and on my way to meet my sister. Some two hours later. Now usually, despite being a true public transport kinda gal, the prospect of 120 minutes of transit accompanied by strangers with dubious social skills [ha!] would only further convince me to stay hidden between my covers. However, this time, I was going to take the train. And I love trains. I love being in the central station. I love the high ceiling, the open space, being in between destinations. It feels homely to me. I love the way trains smoothly slide across the city, from downtown to its furthest outskirts, and lazily watching as you drift off into the ether [suburbs].

By 4 o’clock sharp [4h20], i met up with her and, after frustratingly arguing & fidgeting with her new GPS device [her] & threatening to throw the damn thing out the window [me] for another 15 minutes, off went two of the most hardcore city girls I know into the untamed wilderness [Rigaud]. Two hours of jolly car-riding later, we managed to get there unscathed [startled by the creepy robotic GPS woman every 3 minutes and freaking out as we speeded through the Steepest And Narrowest Road With The Most Potholes Ever]. As we circled around looking for parking, we noticed however that the entire place was eerily deserted. In a quickly abandoned kind of way. With empty old wooden cabins scattered across the perimeter...
“What time are we suppose to meet them again?! It’s already 6 o’clock! It’s going to get dark soon!”, I calmly inquired.
“I don’t know?! They should be here now!", my sister reassuringly replied. "Oh look! There’s Audrey’s car!”
After parking the car right next to the little Echo like the expert driver that she is, my sister skillfully tried to turn the GPS off as it angrily refused à la HAL-9000, while I keenly scanned the woods for a man in a hockey mask. To further prove how paranoid I am my survival skill was on tact, I dutifully made note, as I was putting my handbag in the trunk, that there was a shovel in there, youknowjustincase. Clearly, we was made for outdoor fun, the two of us!

My sister, sensible & fearless as her dependable nature can ever tolerate, suddenly laughed out with glee as we were circling the grounds and declared, “But where the HELL is everybody?!” Grabbing onto her like dear life, with my Alert Button switched on to RAMBO, I discretely responded in the most comforting of tone, “ OH MY GOD! THIS HAS JASON VOORHEES WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!” Oddly enough, it was at that precise moment that a sweet old man with a beard that seemed to be chewed off by rabid rats & a farmer’s hat he'd found on a cadavre decided to jump out from one of the wooden cabins as if he had been watching too many B-rated slasher horror flicks, followed by two hungry feline creatures that hissed at us out of our fucking tits, and asked us where we were going. “Oh my god! Are those cats hissing at us?!..”, I courteously shouted in response.
“Est-ce que vous pouviez nous dire où se trouve la cabane à sucre, monsieur?”, my sister finally asked him, realizing that I was about to run for my life and/or kill them bastard cats, which incidentally decided to rub against my legs.
“God! What’s it doing?! Is it rubbing against my legs? It’s rubbing against my legs! Hey you! Cat! Don’t you know I hate you?”, I continued on my lovely gibberish.
“Oh, c’est pas très loin. Attendez ici, je vais vous amener”, the old farmer replied.

Instantly, my mind travelled from Friday the 13th & Pet Cemetary to Wolf Creek in the speed of light. As I turned to my sister and met two petrified bulging eyeballs, I comforted myself in knowing she was thinking the same thing. Still, as it would be most impolite [and insane] to start running for the hills, we decided it would be best to hide our fear and waited while he harnessed two ginormous Canadian horses to a wooden carriage.
“Are there blood stains on the horses?”, I caught myself asking aloud.
“Can you run?”, my sister abruptly turned to me. She was smiling in that Scared Shitless way she has.
“Oh hell yeah, I can run, but… what? You want me to leave you behind?”
“Just make sure you can run, okay?! [insert maniacal Lost-Her-Mind laugh]".
As I was [actually] contemplating if i could make it by running back to the car, finding a way to open the trunk, getting the shovel and coming back in time to save my sister, the Creepy-Wolf-Creek-in-Rigaud Farmer stormed out as if he was triumphantly riding Hades' carriage. At his suspiciously kind behest, we nervoulsy hopped in.

During the few interminable minutes of the ride, which involved small talks [him - “Vous venez d'où, memzelles (are you far from safety)?”, “Vous êtes toutes seules (will anyone come looking for you as I rip out your lungs)?”], noting that we were at least going slowly enough to jump off & run for the hills if need be [me], grinning in what can only be described as utter & complete fear [sister], I casually asked him whether there were lots of people working today. Confused and slightly suspicious (?), he distractingly whispered “Non, pas vraiment...”. *Alert Button goes off the charts* As we were about to put our escape plan into gear, the carriage suddenly came to a halt in front of what looked like the dinner hall. He got off first and stood by the gate.

To help us get down.
Like a real friendly gentleman.

Feeling a little silly indeed, we graciously thanked him for his utmost kindness. And then ran inside.

Much to our relief, all my sister’s friends were already there (and not in fact ripped to shreds nor pinned up to a wooden stick) patiently [drunkenly] waiting for us. We told them how we had arrived "in style" [as oppose to "insanely"], and much eating & drinking ensued. Soon, the only impending danger facing us was the explosion of our stomach as pea soup, homemade breads, sausages, mashed potato, ham with maple syrup, eggs, and oreilles de criss [fried pig skins] quickly filled our bellies. It was like a massive Celebratory Breakfast For Being In The Glorious Woods with no adults to say 'no more'. And lots of wine. Obviously.







As dessert was coming up soon, we all firmly believed that [embarrassing] dancing would burn off the calories & make room for the traditional sugar pies and crêpes.


Of which I had six.

The night cannot be over however without the epitome of the sugar shack experience [the main reason why I dragged my sorry ass out of bed], so as soon as the chansonnier* announced that the Maple Taffy was ready, we clumsily (and drunkenly) ran outside to get in line, just like we used to do when we were 10 years old. Mmm, good times.



Yes, it all looks like a game of Write Your Name In The Snow from your younger mischievous days**, but it's really hot maple sap poured onto [what we all delusionally hope is] fresh snow. As it hardens up, you quickly twirl as much of it as you can around a popsicle stick, much like in this most expert of ways:

And then, when you have successfully created a lolly without getting maple all over yourself and become thus a life size maple stick (very dangerous, especially around drunken hungry gluttons - trust me, i know...), you simply suck on it 'til all self-respect is lost! Yeah!


High on sugar, we merrily popped by the General Store where many a-maple syrup goodies are neatly packaged and ready for consumerist use. My sister bought two jars of syrup while I got me some dark chocolate filled with maple sugar***. I would have bought that entire basket too, but alas, am also very poor.

All in all, i was glad i went. Even though it involved trying to be "sociable" and "friendly" to people i've never met (eventhough most of them were indeed quite nice, albeit slightly scary, what with the horde of stray cats and vapid killer eyes to their general impression...)

So, lesson of the day: psychotic murdererous scare & massive amount of sugar increase mood. You read it here first.











*Yes, a real one! With the curly country hair, plad shirt, brown suspenders and even coureurs-des-bois boots...to boot! Get it?...ahaha... okay. Carry on.

** Which i sincerely implore, for everyone's involved well-being, to not play during -15C conditions. One would think this is obvious, wouldn't it? Not so, blog world, not so...

*** T'is but a shameful marketing tactic, to drug one up on sugar before the shoppig spree, i know. But, eh, who's complaning? Not I.

human fly

My diet now consists of coffee, Doritos, and chicken nuggets.



"Meat"? Check.
"Wheat"? Check.
Caffeine? Double check.

Am true picture of health, I am!
Someone give me a medal! (I also accept beer.)

picture of my life

While some of my friends are raising havoc at a Frat Party this very minute (it’s all about them cheap beer, young impressionable 17-year-old girls and sexually confused first year Saskatoon lads, you understand... god speed, me boys, god speed!), I am neatly tucked away in bed with a facial (yes, the Depends pads are very comfortable, thank you for asking). Although the unsurpassable amount of beer that taste like piss and drunken pretentious college boys whose best pickup line is "you're such a hawt Asian* chick - burrrrrp" would ratle up any girl's fantasy, I just have the feeling that I can't resist biting some heads off tonight. And speaking of biting, I have not yet digested all that I have eaten, so thought as well to spare the lovely folks at Sigma Chi Lambda Alpha Omega Delta I Haven't The Slightest Clue Really the sweet smell of my bowel movement over the delicious sex pheromones & vomiting sweat. Case in point - what I have ingested today:

• 2 bowls of Crispix** cereal [which the only grocer carrying it, in a fit akin to Jack Bauer's torturous rage, is no longer selling. They have stopped having it for a while but around Christmas, much to my childish delight, decided to restock only to YANK IT away from its shelves again. Why, dear Metro Gods, why?]
• half a roll of rosette de lyon sausage from La Charcuterie de Père Lemoine, with enough black peppers to start a small fire in one's throat.
• a plate of linguine (couldn't resist taking picture of it - notice the melting garlic butter on top. Mm-aaaarrhhh....)
• a plate of sweet sticky rice with fried onions i had to fight over with The Crazy Woman.
• Yummy roast chicken with steamed rice [that would be supper, in case anyone was wondering, courtesy of The fabulous Crazy Woman.]
• A pot noodle. Or two.

[Note to self: must learn to say 'stop'. And actually stop.]

Have also been geekilly youtubing all the music videos i've missed out on, and came to the conclusion that it seriously sucks rats balls to be on a tight budget, as i absolutely must get my hands on The Good, The Bad and The Queen record, as well as the new Arcade Fire***!

And these shoes!

Dancing shoes.
Only-In-My-Dreams shoes.

Prim-And-Proper-Sunday-Garden-Party shoes. (Not that i have ever been, or know anyone who's gone, to a garden party before.)

For some reason remind me of Jem-And-The-Holograms shoes. Which makes me want them even more. I mean, i've even named them and all, so of course they should be mine!...

Yes, it is a sad life I live.

*That would be something not to say to get a girl. EVER. But that is a very long post for another day, i'm afraid...
**As oppose to something like Coco Puffs, or Lucky Charms, i always very boringly prefer something relatively plain in taste. They are the ones that you can eat endlessly, in my opinion. Although i oddly feel like having some of'em Lucky Charms now....
***Speaking of which, their encore performances here were completely SOLD OUT TODAY! *cries* Due, might i add to a bunch of LYING WHORES at one shabby music store who told us they were to go on sale TOMORROW. May you have CRABS, Dirty Blond Shag Boy and Old Nancy Dweeb With Scary Neck Rash! Freakishly gargantuesque Super-Crabs! Now if anyobody can tell me how to get or has an extra ticket, i will gratefully repay them in any way possible. With anything. My soul, anyone? Seriously, anyone?...

china pig

When I was growing up, my hands-down top favorite holiday was Têt, or more commonly known as the Chinese Lunar New Year. More than Christmas, more than Halloween, more than my own birthday or the last day of school (which is, of course, of 'Holiday' status in any young impressionalbe little mind) I would anxiously wait for it to come and wonder why it couldn’t make up its mind and stick to one fixed day already.

There were all these traditional little rituals surrounding it: the bidding farewell to the Three Kitchen Gods the week before, who were believed to live in every household’s oven as to keep a keen eye on us during the year & report back to the Heavens (and who, once away, I always thought could not see us anymore, and therefore licensed everyone to act in a most unexemplary way, although unusually, I noted no such increase in crimes or misbehaviours during that week. Yes, the Asian Guilt is that powerful…); the big cleaning of the house to receive the New Year in stride; the picking of clementines from the pagoda tree, upon which is delivered our yearly fortune; the well-wishing to our elders who’d then give us in return little red envelops filled with monetary good luck (also my only steady source of income from the age of 7 to 16).

The family gatherings during Têt were particularly filled with craziness. Gambling, laughing and giggling and lots of screaming. We'd always fight for food, or to get ahead in line to wish my eldest aunt a good year (and really for the biggest envelop. Ahem), or be last with my sister because we’d never know what to say to our own parents (we’re not too good at expressing our feelings, always wanting to cry, y'see [from resignation and/or despair… Bah! I kid, I kid! Of course, nothing but love and gratitude, mum!... hahahah... I will be struck by lightning one of these days. Seriously.]). And then, of course, there is The Food.

Shrimp & Lotus Salad.
Sweet & Spicy.

Imperial Rolls.
Aren't they just perrrfect?

Assortment of fresh meat.
Best with lots of beer.
Aye.

Fried Tofu with lemongrass.
Or, The Only Tofu I Eat.

[So Good I'm Salivating All Over My Keyboard] Quails.

The traditional Square Sticky Rice Cake.

Almond cake.
Bite size.
Bloody brilliant.

Soursop candy. Heavenly

And My Absolute Favorite...
Chewy Mung Bean Rice Balls.
(Gooey, gingery and oh so gooooooood.)

How convenient it should be the Year of the Pig, innit? And there are heaps more too, but as it is fairly impossible to take pictures and have to win the fight for the last piece of fried lobster tail at the same time, i had to prioritize, you understand. It's a wonder i haven't burst through my new pants already, that's all i've gotta say.

But of all these celebrations, there is one particular reason that makes the New Year the crème de la crème of all holidays. When i was a kid, i used to love watching my mum prepare all the meals and all the minute attention she'd give to each superstitious detail. The gracious beholden humility she'd pray to the Heavens and Earth. To our ancestors... She took it all very seriously, and no matter what mood you were in, or whether you believed in a higher power or the Earth spirit or nothing at all, her attentive devotion was always enough to render a genuine purpose to it all.

And it still does. It is the only time in our household when everyone is completely silent. In a heedful quietness. Peaceful and febrile, ready to welcome the New Year.

When i was a kid, it was also the only time i could stay up past midnight, regardless of whether i had school the next day or not, just so i can be part of it all. It was a family thing. We'd tell eachother the same old stories again, and we'd laugh about it again. And having to be part of it once more, i realise it is still the only time when i feel like that exact same kid. Again. And why it is Reason Why I Love Being Asian #1.

you could have it so much better

A week in review:

• So my first week back at Uni wasn't as bad as i anticipated. I'm not sure exactly what it was that i anticipated (me jumping off from the Leacock building, my brain to explode, a rabid killing spree - i hadn't given it much thought, really) but it definitely went much smoother than the unsociable, faithless, ill-adapted girl that i can be ever figured it. That, or it is just not hitting me yet, and when it will, it'll be so flamboyantly craptacular everyone but me would've seen it coming for light years!
  Until then though, i've been oddly enjoying being surrounded by all the trendy/arty/messy/drunk/lost/confused/pretentious student species crawling about campus again, along with the trendy/arty/messy/drunk/lost/confused/pretentious professors paving the way. I like to take it as an 'inspiration', hoping that their intent, their hurried purposefulness will somehow transfer onto me. So far, i really like having a routine down - going to classes, reading in the coffee shop, even working an extra shift. It gives me a short-term direction that is very much welcomed indeed. Because all this leads me to be prepped up for my longer-term goal - my impending trip, which, in all probability, will occur in far sooner than i realize! Hurrah!
  
  
• I went to IKEA in the beginning of the week, and i can officially say that shopping for house items far surpasses any other purchasing - including of clothes, shoes, underwear, food, music, books - EVER. It makes me giddy, man. Like Maniacally-Grinning-While-Skipping-And-Humming-'I Feel Pretty' giddy. I was impressively good though, managing to only buy a red wooden chair, a black folding chair for my study, cushions, wooden hangers, a slip-cover for my bedspread (or a 'housse de couette', as the French call it in its weirdest word combination), two packs of decorative postcards, a vase and two desk organizers. That's it!... (Seriously, if i wasn't already on a budget, i probably would have bought those entire living/dining/bedroom sets!)
  
  
• Had an insane shift on Wednesday night at the restaurant. Now, usually, i try not to complain much about work because 1) i am crap, and 2) they [my bosses], as much as i hate don't like to talk about or to them [and so pretending that they don't exist], are still my employers and i prefer not to 'bite the hand that feeds me' - that sort of bullshit. YET, when it is crazy crowded and the boss' son, who also happens to be the barman, not only does JACK SHIT but also DROPS MY ORDER because HE WAS BUSY TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND while TWO OTHER TABLES ARE WAITING, i must comply to a higher moral obligation & the International Employee's Ethics Guide to MACHETE HIS HEAD OFF. Mentally, sadly.
  
  
• On Friday evening, at [ever so conveniently called] Happy Hour, some of my male friends committedly informed me on the intricate sexual activities the crazy kids are practicing these days*. As such, i had the pleasure to learn what The Startled Goldfish**, The Captain America*** and The Deathstar**** are. Thank you, gentlemen, for the unbound knowledge & the little wee in my new panties from laughing too hard. And not to mention the added paranoia each time i'm about to shag anyone ever again.
  We thereafter stumbled in the streets toward the nearest karaoke bar (because drunkenness can only make our voices above par, of course) and proceeded naturally to make utter asses of ourselves. A martini, a pint of beer, a 1L jug of Lady Sidecar and another crap bottle of beer later, i was so pissed that we decided to go to another bar where we met some drunk Mexican expatriates with whom we stroke an incomprehensible conversation. When one of them suddenly hand-gesturingly asked me if i was 'with' J or not, my instinctive reaction was to scream "Si!", much to J's drunken compliance. I know, bad faghag. But i wouldn't have to recur to such lowly ways if said expat - although very nice - didn't resemble anything like this. For some reason, i tend to attract piercingly unattractive drunkards like Britney Spears to bad taste, and i was certainly in no mood to bat them off. I suspect i put out a smell of Little Stray Sheep or something [damn you, Asian blood!]. When i finally got home, i somehow managed to take a shower, brushed my teeth - all while being terribly intoxicated - and crawled into bed only to realize that it was just 11h30. PM.
  Stay tuned next week for my exciting adventures while queuing for my pack of Depends at the pharmacist.
  
  
• Went to a family dinner last night, which featured a small feast of lemon marinated beef with hot peppers & cilantro, sautéed lobster with ginger, fried shrimp with green peppers & onions and durian for desert - a.k.a. Reason Why I Love Being Asian #4, #7, #16 and #2 respectively. I also get to hang out with my 20-year-old cousin who asked me for relationship advices as he is thinking of moving in with his girlfriend of 10 months. Bless his heart and love him to pieces (we grew up with each other and i consider him as my little brother), but how equipped are you to move out on your own and manage your studies and a serious relationship and worrying about generally surviving when you're asking a hardcore SPINSTER for RELATIONSHIP advices?! Great! Another thing to needlessly worry my over-protective head about! Thank you, thank you very much!...
  Seriously, it just makes me shiver in the inside as i think of all the possible ways how this could go wrong... Ugh. I miss the age of blind faith (...not really... But it sure beats the age of patronizing pessimism).
  
  
• Spent the day pampering myself and giving me a Winter pedicure.
  
  
  

  Vixen.

  Not that anyone will notice as it will be hidden under two layers of thick cotton socks. And boots. And 30cm of snow. I'm not complaining though - it's about fackin' time Winter peaked its beady little head in! All this rain & warm weather was starting to freak the snowshite out of me.
  
  
• Also, i've decided to let my fingernails grow into a lady-like length. It feels weird.

Um. That's all i have.




* In a strictly PG fully clothed way, you deviant fiends.
** [WARNING: this end note contains graphic description that may offend anyone out there who innocently & indulgently gives a rat's ass to scroll down here thinking it is a sweet & tender explanation of sexual perversion- HULLO!] When engaging in sexual intercourse in a canine fashion & in front of a mirror, the male exits his penile apparatus from the female's vaginal entry to insert it into her anus, which would therefore cause her to react just like - say it with me - a Startled Goldfish.
*** [WARNING: added to the same graphic description as above, the following notes also shows extreme levels of geekiness - please read at your own risks] When engaging in sexual intercourse in a canine fashion, the male diverts his hands from the female's supporting hips, forms an 'O' with his index finger & thumb, reverts it backwards while spreading the rest of his fingers on his face to make glasses of them, thus imitating Captain America's superhero mask.
**** When engaging in sexual intercourse in a canine fashion [a very inspirational position, it seems], the male exits his penile apparatus just when it is about to come, wait and, when the vaginal entry is slowly contracting back to its original diameter, [with great timing and aim, i must say] ejaculate in it - reenacting thus the scene where Luke Skywalker destroys the Deathstar from within in Star Wars IV. Genius? I think yes.

it's the most wonderful time

Reasons why Christmas is fantabulous:

• Buying gifts! Did my Christmas shopping yesterday and was TOTALLY into it, picking out prezzies for my mum (a beautilful tweed pencil skirt with a teal sweater - le gorgeous), my sister (penguin themed pjs, undies, socks and huge coffee mug - so nauseatingly cute she'll barf out the damn bird), my cutest petutiest 3-year-old cousin (a box of crayons & a Dora pop-up book), and for another 7-year-old to whom i am his Secret Santa (a beautiful Fables de La Fontaine book, just like the one i used to love). It reminded me how fun it is to really give rather than receive (although receiving is very much the tops as the second point shall demonstrate).
  
  Roaming along the kids section in the bookstore, surrounded by all the colors and glossy covers, i was also whisked back to the time when each penny i saved would propel me towards the nearest book shop where i would deliberate for hours on the one i would take home. There was this collection i remember of ancient myths that i coveted - Egypt, Greek, Roman and Celtic tales (yes, i was about this close to become a Dongeons & Dragons afficionado). Over two years, it had been such a long & hard endeavor to me that i bought the last book out of sheer principle as my literary taste had been captivated by Monsieur Poirot's charming mustache & the Great Agatha by then. That's called devotion, people! I remember how much books meant to me as a kid, when i didn't have Life Obligations to worry about or derail me from it, when i could lounge around and read all day while my friends did their thing. Books were dependable. And they also made me look less of a social inadequate than i actually was/am (ahem). Which is probably why i am now one of those aunts & cousins who will happily shove down a book down any little child's throat at the first sign of weakness. (Also, in case he doesn't appreciate the magic of Les Fables de La Fontaine, well, i'll just have to keep it now, won't i? Hahahahaha!)
  
  Anywho. I have only me Daddio left to buy for now. A challenge that must not be taken lightly as he is one who would not like ANYTHING that he receives yet sulk when he doesn't. Wonderful character, i know. Thank goodness it's something he did not pass down on me!



• Everything i get is now labelled not under 'Another Useless Consumerist Purchase' but neatly wrapped - like everything else - under 'Christmas Gift For Moi!' Behold, so far, these can be found in my stocking:
  
  

Yes. That is a vase. For my Future Flat. I think it's beautiful, okay?






For my Europe Longing Days.





A 'rare collection' of short stories! Hurrah!





...I have not the words...
This will be a GREAT holiday...





• I was going to say 'The Snow' but the little snow that fell has now been replaced with the goddamn rain....Ugh. Carry on, then...



• The nice sales clerks. Yes, i know. Either they are, or i am peculiarly nice, which, in any case, is so much more pleasant to deal with. They are all smiles and strangely patient & indulgent to find gifts with you, laughing with your silly picks for your sister, giggling about ending up buying just for yourself, wishing you a 'Joyeuses Fêtes!' as you leave. It's all just so pleasant! There must be a course or a conference beforehand, of course, and somehow forced upon but it still feels quite nice.



• Making mixed cds. Also known as one of my top Favorite Waisting Time Activity. Now, you all must know that i am a shameless fan of the classics - Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Brenda Lee & the likes, even though they are endowed with the power to cause seizures - but it's also such fun (and a challenge!) to find newer rocking holiday tunes like The Ramones' 'Merry Christmas' & The Ravoenettes' 'Chirstmas Song' to put them all together!
  
  'River' by Joni Mitchell is an absolute must - despite that one is a tad inclined to gulp down an entire bottle of whiskey only to jump off a bridge afterwards - but somehow i've managed to slip it in between 'It's Christmas Time' by what sounds like The Miracles (do correct me if i'm wrong) & 'Rock of Ages', then followed by Sinead O'Connor's 'Silent Night'. Right. Not exactly the cheeriest, is it?... But the cd ends with 'Maybe This Christmas' by Ron Sexsmith, which is really lovely & sweet. With a little pinch of bitter perhaps but still very sweet & more than a bearable listen during these times...



• The Food! Living here, every self-respected food lover's favorite cooking show, À la Di Stasio, is the summum of class, good taste & good food. Josée Di Stasio, the bona fide hostess, is a little like Martha Stewart but less insane. And without all the bows & ribbons & flowers & dresses, anything that might distract from the great FOOD she & her local celebrity guests concoct in her immaculately delicious and warm kitchen. And then, there's the lighting... it makes the pasta shine, the meat glisten, the puddings luscious. She makes me want to cook! Let me write that again. She. Makes. Me. Want. To. Cook. ME. Who considers an omelette as part of her Sophisticated Dish Repertoire. So yes, allow me to tuck that under Christmas Miracle of 2006.
  



• All above reasons to distract me from My Boy Troubles.... *gnaw at cheeks, etc.*

everything's not lost

Things To Do To Cheer Yourself [Myself] Up From The [Light] Blues (in no particular order):

• Bake cookies.
• Eat cookies. Or candies, ice cream, chocolate cakes, instant noodles, baked potatoes, sushi, anything that tickles the fancy but unfortunately am incapable of making (except for the instant noodles).
• Watch The Sound of Music, A Philadelphia Story & Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulin - in that order.
• Clean desk/bathroom/house.
• Read magazine with pretty pictures & shiny pages. Makes one feel pretty. And shiny. (A skewed transference mechanism.)
• Cut/trim/dye hair.
• Shop (though could be tricky as if too much is bought can catalyse into Heavy Blues --> not good).
• Fuck.
• Get all purdied up.
• Meet up with some good friends. And laugh.
• Dance.
• Draw/paint.
• Go sit & read/people-watch in favorite coffee shop.
• Plan Project London.
• Read this.**newly added**

A list in progress....

pitter patter goes my heart

So it is raining. Again. Only, you cannot see it is raining because it is utterly dark outside. AT FIVE PM. So here i am inside, trying not to focus on this shitty feeling that comes for no other reason than to accompany the clouds and to piss me off, eating this:

By the time this picture was taken, downloaded then uploaded, I had finished the entire bag. Which i got this morning. There were also a bag of candies, and a box of pastries. The evidences of such however were carelessly discarded in the rubbish bin before i realized 'Oi! i have a new swanky camera now to document every moment of my waking day!'. I know, i can hear the moans of disappointment from here. I apologise. They were very good though, but after which i needed something salty. And tadah! That's how you keep on eating for hours on end - by switching sweets & salty alternatively.

Another thing that can help keep oneself lethargic in front of the tube eating everything one owns:

Also known as Curtis Stone and my future husband.

Y'see, i humbly admit i was never the girl who dreamt of marrying a nice doctor or a prince (nor have i actually ever dreamt of marriage per se, but that's just a small detail). I didn't have wild fantasies about fire fighters either, paramedics, nor police officers, cowboys, monks, lawers, the postman, dentists, so on & so forth. No. What i fancy was/is The Cook. Any time. Any day. Yessery Bob. He can look like he had perhaps inhaled the totality of the Mars gaseous elements, but my gosh as long as he can make a mean sexy chocolate soufflé, he can do with me as he pleases. As long as i get to eat said soufflé. So imagine my joy when The wonderful Learning Chanel introduced a show featuring a hunky Aussie who goes into a siupermahket, pick ep a wee lass, bring 'er beck haome & cuk far 'er (yes, that was a taste of my most excellent accent, thank you).

'Fucking genius!', that's what i said, incredulously. It's like they had found my childhood diary & made it into a reality! Here are just some examples of what Monsieur Stone can whip up:

Grilled rib eye steak with semi-dried tomatoes, watercress & crispy potatoes.
(or as i like to call 'Humma-na Humma-na Haa...')

Cajun crusted chicken with creole mashed potatoes.
('Oh yes please! Right here!')

Marinated & grilled bison rib eye with pasilla salsa.

('Ouh! Ouh! Me! Ove here!')

Salad with deep fried manchego cheese & madiera reduction
([gawk - as have lost all words & consciousness])





But can he bake, you ask? Ohhh! Oho-ho hohoh....

Chocolate covered mango & vanilla cream bomb.
BA-BOOM!

Aussie cheesecake.
(as if having permanent sunshine, fairweather & the incredible ocean at their finrgertips wasn't enough...)

Sautéed baby bananas with sour cream, spearmint, chili & lime.
(YESSSS! I know! it sounds awfully weird at first, but as one who completely LOVES cooked bananas AND spicy foods, this just seems like le-perfect!)

(and la pièce de résistance...)
HANDMADE CHOCLATES WITH MARCORONA ALMONDS.

*wipes off trail of saliva*

And he made this, can you imagine? With his own bare hands! FROM SCRATCH! *hands over heart* Mumsie, i think i'm in love!....

**Next up: Things To Do To Cheer Yourself Up From The [light*] Blues.**




* Because we all know that the Heavy Blues can only be cured with massive amounts of drugs and/or a gun.