Friday, May 30, 2008


In eight days, I will be coming home.

Job has been quit, tickets have been bought, denial is in gear.

Too much to say. Too much to do. Too much…
Too little words. Too little time. Too little space…

Up here.
And in there.

Then, there is only fear.
Of facing what I left behind. Of leaving my heart here. Of owning up.

Eight days.

The weather had better be nicer than here.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

what's new, pussycat?

I've got too much in my head at the moment to coherently write anything of my usual nonsense. So instead, may I present to you Arch Nemesis, Cat:

Schizoid, delusional agoraphobic, senile spy,
debilitatingly self-conscious attention whore.

Don’t be fooled by her sweet feline face, she's a cunning one.

Hobbies: secretly spreading hair onto my clothes, eating flowers from window box, getting sick from eating flowers in window box, sprinting after 'voices in her head'.

Likes: staring competitions, moaning to herself, coming up from behind & scaring the begesus out of me, fighting with the rug and curling up to Blond Monkey.

Dislikes: being ignored, other furry animals, any more than four humans [or the equivalent of] in the same room, the hoover.

Wish: opposable thumbs.

I'd gladly dispose of her if I don't actually think she's a wily old lady trapped in an aging hairy suit with no teeth. And really, who wouldn't empathise?

We haz cmplxic8 luv/h8 rltnshipz.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

we've only just begun

Today, I feel sappy.

Thank you. As you were.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

talihina sky

I am supposed to be Barcelona this week.

J came and stayed a few weeks ago, as Blond Monkey was busy getting his portfolio together and I tried to play Good Hostess while simultaneously hiding my murderously violent tendencies at work.

I failed miserably.

But that is not to say that we didn’t get some good’ol times rollin’ and dancin’ (or as much as my QUARTER OF A CENTURY OLD’S Newly Acquired Rubbish Need For An 8 Hours Night Sleep To Function Comprehensibly allowed). And it was delightful to be with J again, someone who knew me before. Someone I can run to, and would understand where I came from. Reminding me who I am by showing me how I’ve changed, without having to say anything... It was the closest piece of home I’ve tasted since I’ve been here and it filled a hunger that went unsatiated for far too long.

We ended up being completely annoyed with one another, obviously (ta! darl!), but his is a friendship that brings love & hate as much & as easily as family does, I think. And it was also the first time a close part of my life met a 'boyfriend'. I don’t remember much, on the account that I was massively drunk (it involved a fallen pint of cider, I believe), but I think it went well as both parties spent the remaining days ganging up on me. Bitches.

After I saw my best friend off after a week long emotional ride, Blond Monkey also had to go away for a few days. I relished at the idea of having the flat to myself but suddenly, creepily and unexpectedly, it felt bare. Although I knew he would soon come back, in a few days, just wait, you silly girl, I missed him oh so terribly....

Silly girl...
Just a few days...
Just you wait….

I am supposed to be in Barcelona this week. But I am not.

Because, although having bought the tickets months beforehand with the idea that you might be able to get away together, life has this tendency to throw random insignificant things at you, carelessly, so as he suddenly can’t. Because, even if a part of you childlessly feels like a useless soppy girl who wouldn’t travel alone simply because her boyfriend isn’t going with her, a bigger part would just rather be with him. Because sometimes your strength comes from humbly recognising what makes you happy regardless of how conventional and stereotypical it may appear. And also because, by the end of the month, you will be leaving him.

And your Twelve-Year-Old Self can go screw herself.