21st century schizoid man

Note to self: Am a conceited bitch when high. Must therefore not be in proximal distance to A as A's lovely head be ripped off. Also, must have Boyfriend or equivalent as Mr. ASs will again be boastfully & unexpectedly longed for.

*cringes*
*claws eyes out*
*falls down*
*hides in dark corner*



[n.b. Mr. ASs was previously known as Mr. S, but such as these things work, one remarkably notices 'connections' when one is...erillegallyintoxicated. Ahem...also, in all fairness, name is more testament of author's character than that of its owner. But not that much more.]

smile like you mean it

I've been feeling a little...volatile these days.
Vagrant, vexed, vacillant, vagarious, vicious. Vvvvvvvvv.

Perhaps because it's raining. Again.
Or because i've been ingesting cafeine twice in an hour.
Or because it's that time of the month.
Or perhaps because my birthday is coming up very soon.
Or maybe it's all of the above.

I remember when i turned 20. It took all the strength i had not to fall apart. Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart... Erm, no. Sorry, got a tad carried away there. What i meant to say was, it took all the strength i had not to sob on the cake as i blew out the candles. (Right. There you go. It's hard to start a sentence like that and not carry through its usual disco destiny. Um. Carry on, now.) I did not want to cry because i felt old (tch, i'm not that insipid). They had asked me to make a wish as the tradition goes, and suddenly, shockingly, it overwhelmed me. There were so many things to wish for, things that would not - that could not - happen... I remembered what i thought 20 would be like as a kid and i was so so far from it. I wasn't smarter, wiser, stronger, more confident, or the least bit 'together'. I was a complete & utter wreck. I was more of a mess than i ever was... Or ever thought could be...

I am far from where i was four years ago. I suppose that is something. That is a lot, actually. And look - i'm still a mess! Yay! But i've learned to get used to it, i guess. I've learned to accept it. À l'apprivoiser. And i've also learned not to fret so much about it.

I just remember when i was 12 years old, and thinking that the next time 'my' year - the Year of the Dog - would to come again, i'd be 24. It was such an unfathomable fantasy... Well i'll be 24 now. And it's the Year of the Dog. My year. My 12-year-old self would believe this should mean somehting. But it doesn't, does it? It's just another year. It's just another number. And it's just me. A complete mess. And okay with it. (Or at least once these damn cramps go away.)

Now, everyone scoot together and sing 'I Will Survive'.

have a cuppa tea

We were having brunch in my sister's kitchen.

"I am sooo tired...".
"Why?", i iquired, quizzically.
"Because i woke up at 6?", said she in the condescending tone she was congenitally blessed with.
"Why?", i responded in the annoyed fashion i was habitually trained.
"Because i had to clean the garage?", she continued in her charmingly loving tone.
"Why?!", i asked with my eyes criss-crossing in their confused self-injuring manner.
"Because the painters were coming early this morning to paint the garage?" Ah. No, wait...
"Why didn't you clean it last night?"
"Because i was watching Naruto until 1 o'clock in the morning?" Right. Silly me.

My mum cheerfully waltzed in. She was bright & sunny, and her cheeks were rosy from the frisky autumn wind. She looked like one of those cute little Inuk dolls. She put on the kettle, took out a cup, and proceeded in doing her New Thing - grabbing my sister's boob. "Yours are like flat steamed buns, and hers [mine] are like puffy steamed buns!", she declared, triumphantly, poured herself some tea, and coyly walked away.

My sister stood stunned in horror. I rolled on the floor laughing until snort came out.

Ladies & gentlemen, i present to you my mother, The Crazy Woman.

china girl

Why & make complete & utter sense to me is in major part because i grew up watching these:

Much as Lord of the Rings inc. can reduce some fully grown functional adults into bearded potato-robe-wearing 'wizards' and/or elvish-speaking plastic-bow-&-arrow-adorning 'faeries', Jin Yong's Legend of the Condor Heroes trilogy induces in this otherwise sophisticated young lady (ahem) a similar debilitating effect that sees her transform into a wide-eyed Asian-pride fanatic that would make her ancestors proud. People flying? But of course! Shooting out laser beams through your index finger? It's all in the chi. Giant Falcon that does kung fu? Why the hell not?! Re-attaching severed arteries by pushing really hard on acupunctural pressure points (without forgetting the mandatory "tchieu! tchieu!" sound effect)? Sign me up!

But what really tingles my tender loins are the insanely too-cool-for-school characters whose appearances i anticipate like a 14-year-old New Kids On The Block fan waiting for Jordan Knight at a concert (not that i would know, obv). These mostly include the Four Grand Masters:

This is Evil East. Notice the unbearably cool stern look (which by the way is really how you can get away with playing a jade flute, if you ask me). Master of logic, medecine, literature & most of the arts, he got his name not because he is indeed 'evil' but simply because he harbours the most utter contempt for all unwritten rules of the wulin (aka Martial Arts World), and therefore pretty much does what he likes. Which he can. Because he kicks arses. And nobody messes with him. Obviously.

Yet behind that cold austere exterior resides a deeply sensitive man who, after indirectly causing the death of his beloved wife, kept her body in an icy secret cavern in order to one day revive her. So romantic (albeit in a creepy Frankenstein-ish way).

Then comes Poison West. Of all the Four Grand Masters, he is perhaps the 'evilest'. But that's only because his ambitions to dominate the wulin have blinded him to any pre-established notions of what might be ethical or not, which, pfff, anyone in the same situation could understand...

By the end of the first chapter, he is driven to madness when Evil East's clever daughter (that's the girl who looks a bit like the Lady in Disney's The Lady & the Tramp oop there) read him a false copy of the much coveted wuxia (or kung fu) scroll Jiu Yin Zhen Jing, causing his chi to go all wonky (very bad). He then adopts Andy Lau in the second installment, "Return of the Condor Heroes", and finally shows how truly kind-hearted & good he is. However, because of his shady past, he is deemed as a bad influence on our young & handsome hero, thus forced by the latter's guardians to run away in order to prevent future evilness. Poison West spends the rest of the story if not looking for his son, then trying heartbreakingly in vain to remember who his true identity, which further drives him into madness (until he dies). It's all sad, really.

His specialties? Poison, of course. He also developped this strange technique called the Toad Stance, in case you've ever heard of it*... *wink*

This is the South King. Ruler of a small land of Dai Li, he exerts the technique of Prime Pointing Palm, which basically allows him to shoot out laser beams through his finger. This technique was developped along with Central Divinity**, and since shooting out laser beams is no easy task of course, demanding constant hours of practice and cultivation, the hard-working King soon finds his wife to be pregnant with another man's baby - his to be exact :

But love is such that the King forgives her even though she is desperately in love with her son's father, Ba Thong (who ran away after the fact, deeply ashamed of his actions, and also because despite his age is nothing more than a little boy at heart).

On one stormy night, a masked enemy fatally wounds the child in the hopes that the King might use his inner energy to heal it, thus becoming weaker and an easier target. At the incessant plea of his advisers, he fails to rescue the baby in time. His wife, believing that he has done so in spite, leaves the kingdom & bitterly swears vengeance. In utter despair & remorse, he abandons the throne and turns to Buddha (or 'voice of Reason'. Either/or).

Finally, a fond lover of good food & wine, this dusty old man here may appear harmless but he is the Leader of the Beggar Sect, thus earning the title of North Beggar, and a respected place within the Four Grand Masters with his signature Dog Clobbing Baton Technique & awesome Dragon Subduing Palm Explosion. I don't know much about his personal story as it is not mentionned in the 80's mini-series that lovingly formed my childhood. There are however some later series that try to interpret his life but seeing as it is utter rubbish, i don't give much credit to it. Unless Jin Yong himself tells me i should.

Among all of these wonderful stories (the above are nothing more than side-lines & secondary characters from the first two novels), none however holds a dearer place in my silly little heart than this one [cue in boastful 80's cantopop]:

THE HEAVEN SWORD AND DRAGON SABRE!

The last part of the trilogy, it is set about 100 years after the previous two . Legend says that "In all of Wulin, Dragon Sabre rules. Who dares to defame it? Heaven Sword astray, who dares to challenge it?" (hmm, i swear it sounds so much cooler in chinese/vietnamese...). Fighting mindlessly to obtain these weapons are all of the Martial Arts World, believing that the owner may rule 'all under the heavens'. Little do they know that the true secret of the two weapons lies within their blades: inside the Dragon Sabre is hidden an important military book written by an ancient general, whereas the Heaven Sword witholds the legendary Jiu Yin Zhen Jing, both of which books were the central objects of covenant in the prequels. Only when the two blades hit one another can the secret finally be revealed.

Unbeknownst to everything is our innocent little hero, Vo Ky (that's the boy in the right, there...*blush from chidhood crush*). His father is the fifth & favorite disciple of the leader of the Wudang Clan, Zhang Sanfeng (who also happens, as legends would have it, to be the creator of what is now known as Tai Chi *incontrollable giggle at the utter awesomeness of it all*); and his mother, daughter of White Brow Master of the conflicted Ming Sect. Both sacrificed themselves when Vo Ky was only 10 years old in order in one part to protect the whereabouts of their blood brother Goldern Mane Master, Vo Ky's godfather & present owner of the Dragon Sabre, and in another because Vo Ky's father wrongly believed that his wife was responsable for the debilitating of his Third Clan Brother***.

As Vo Ky grows up and learns to deal with his parents' deaths, the intricate relationships within the wulin, blurred notions of Good & Evil vs. Right & Wrong, honour & sacrifice, how to make peace with his destiny as the new leader & unifier of the Ming Sect, and the meaning of brotherhood, he eventually ends up as a powerful martial artist - despite himself - having managed to learn the long lost chi part of the wuxia book Jiu Yin Zhen Jing, Jin Yang Zhen Jing (!)

*breathes*

Although this is all very interesting indeed [for a nerdy 8-year-old Asian], much more importantly however is that he also learns to L-O-V-E! And as a simple love triangle is just too darn pedestrian for our hero, he has to attract no less than the love of FOUR pretty young things (Aragorn, eat you heart out!).

First comes Tri Nhuoc. Intelligent & sophisticated, she can show to be a quite cunning & manipulative little minx as well. She met Vo Ky at the tender age of 10, and from then on rules of attraction dictate that she is to be deeply & passionately devoted to him.

Chau Linh is Vo Ky's younger cousin who, also from a teenage crush, falls in love with him. Which deeply troubled me as a kid as i did not realize that this could happen between cousins (which still troubles me a little to this day, to be completely honest). When she was 8, she defended her chronically ill mother by murdering her father's very mean Second Wife, and was then forced to run away. As her father tries to catch her, her own mother kills herself before her eyes (a popular practice, apparently) in order to distract him from his vengeful pursuit.

Enters Tieu Sieu. Though she is demure & shy, with no apparent talent other than looking really cute and serving as a devoted maid to Vo Ky, she later reveals herself as the Chosen Leader of the Ming Cult of the West (which is an awful translation on my part, apologies, but that's who they really are. Besides, any translation always pales in comparison to the real thing, sadly. Because the real thing is seriously excellent, of course), sent to the Mainland in search of the sacred Ming scroll, and thus redeeming her mother (who was supposed to be the Chosen One but as these must be virgins - and Tieu Sieu's presence kinda threw that out the window - the Cult will sacrifice her mother for the offense should they ever find her).

Other than THAT, I have nothing else on her. I did think she was the prettiest though. Oh, and she wore similar slippers as mine. Which may or may not be revelant in me finding her most attractive.

Last but most certainly not least is the spoiled & playful Mongolian princess, Trieu Minh. Despite her young age, she is astonishingly smart & quick-witted, and commands half of the terrible Mongolian troups as her father is the seating ruler of the land. A daddy's girl with a no-shit-taking attitude, she's charmingly offbeat & refreshingly sassy.

My sister & i know by heart almost all of her lines with Vo Ky. (Not that we are utterly pathetic or anything.)

Anyway.

As i know you are all dying to know which one he will choose, i'll spare you the details, and jump right into it if you don't mind. Ahem.

*clears throat*

When Tieu Sieu's destiny as the chosen leader is revealed, she is forced to abandon her beloved, not because she wants the position but should she refuse, they (the Wicked Ming Cult of the West) will not only kill her & her mother but Vo Ky as well. Tears were shead, a kiss exchanged, and bye-bye to sweet Tieu Sieu & her lovely slippers. Then, previously wounded by Tieu Sieu's mother, Chau Linh is now in a semi-conscious state, and cruelly killed off by none other than very bad Tri Nguoc as she finds out that Chau Linh has seen her drugging everyone, stealing both the Dragon Sabre AND Heaven Sword, after chasing off Trieu Minh (so that it looked as if it was Trieu Minh who did all of aforementioned evil doings, you understand. Oh wicked indeed!). Unfortunately, poor innocent Vo Ky, though truly in love with Trieu Minh, reluctantly believes all these webs of lies, and soon finds himself in this most awkward of situation:

What will he do?

The only satisfying thing of course - leave a heartbroken & shattered

bride behind. Not very honorable of him, i hear you snicker, and to be quite honest, i do feel most sorry for her. She is bitchingly bad but there are strenuous circumstances (pressure from her dead master, wanting to rule the world, etc, etc...things one can relate to, really) surrounding her unexemplary behaviours. And she does it all for him, really. I mean, just look at that sad face...

Besides, she does repent herself in the end. Lala lala - all is forgiven!

As for Vo Ky leaving a seemingly innocent bride at the alter with another girl? It was mainly because Trieu Minh knows where his godfather Golden Mane Master (remember him?) is hidden, and refuses to tell him unless he leaves with her immediately (because it was actually his bride-that-would-never-be who attacked his godfather, resulting in his capture by his sworn enemy).

And also because he loves Trieu Minh more. The end.

Well, okay no, not really. There are heaps of other things, obviously. Cases of vengeance & betrayal, warfare & mistaken identities, which are all tops & make for the bestest bedtime story ever, BUT, in the end, what truly matters is that Vo Ky finally makes an uncommon decision to leave everything behind to live freely with his one true love! And all is well again in the world!

So you see...?
And they dare say fairy tales distort the youth's minds - ha!






I am doomed.






*If you've seen Kung Fu Hustle then you'll understand that i was not making a pass at you (although i'm sure you are very much attractive), but in fact hinting why the movie riled me up as it did. If you haven't seen it, then by all means, go!...Or not. As you wish.

** Central Divinity only appears in flashbacks in the series as he has past away during its unraveling. My dad says that in the novel, he has beaten all of the Four Grand Masters, and therefore able to keep the Jiu Yin Zhen Jing book. Realizing how deadly this powerful wuxia book can be in the wrong hands, he divided it into two scrolls - one for the fighting techniques & the other for the chi cultivation - and gave them to his younger apprentice Ba Thong to guard after his death. Unfortunately, although he is himself quite powerful, Ba Thong has no interest whatsoever in the wuxia world but, just like Cindy Lauper, only wants to have fun.
Central Divinity actually has an extraordinary life story, along with a complicated romance but my brain can barely wrap itself around it for i cannot read in chinese (being non-chinese, you see) nor in vietnamese (being ethno-illiterate), and there has yet to be a proper series to come out for me to relish in, damn it all.

*** In truth, he was tortured by the Mongolians & their minions, who by the time this story unfurls have securely occupied China and established the Yuan Dynasty. Insanely wicked, innit?

you're so vain

Okay. So one of the reasons why i have actually started this blog was to be more open. Put more of me out there, so to speak. "First the Blogosphere, then the Real World!" kind of thing. It's a first step in any case, as small as it is. Ergo, eventhough i am gnawing my insides as i type these words, leaving the last post unchanged nor deleted is done so in line of that attempt. It will shamelessly be there to be stared & pointed at should anyone foolishly stumble here (that's you, you lucky person you).

Also, in the same spirit, and since frankly i really am that self-indulgent, i present to you without further ado, Me, 100 things of. Oh rejoyce blog world!

1. I am not a morning person. That is not to say i am a night person either.
   
   
2. The first contact with hot coffee in the morning is my most cherished moment of the day (despite that it always - always! - friggin burns my tongue when i drink it. Every rose has its thorn [feel free to proceed into a rocking air guitar solo]).
   
   
3. I hate cats [cat-lovers not included]. I abhor them just as i abhor any hypocritical, manipulative, hairy creatures that cause my respiratory system to swell & eyes to tear up. I comfort myself in knowing that this feeling is mutual.
   
   
4. I am desperately vain. I'd still adorn perfect hair even when i think life is not worth living - if you're going to leave this world, might as well go out looking fabulous, i say.
   
   
5. I love my music. Now, most people believe they are themselves 'big music lovers', 'are obsessed with music', 'music is their lives', that sort of bullshit on stilts that most probably indicates how they possess a more knowledgable & acute taste in music that i could ever aspire to but that is not exactly what i mean. I mean, i have relationships with my music. [cue in soft instrumental of 'Love Story'].
   
   My first serious relationship was with Coldplay, pure & innocently profound, which obviously could not last very long. After a year, it was followed by an intensely close & obsessive two-year romance with The Strokes. Toward its last blissful days, feeling complacent & entrapped, i madly flirted with Franz Ferdinand until it became blatant cheating. The Strokes & I finally parted in amicable terms [i still think they are smashing, and despite what some might say, their third album rocks the shit, man!] as i went galavanting ahead in the subversive fun frivolity i've always dreamed of for another two years or so. During this time, i've gotten intimately acquainted with The Rapture, Razorlight, Ambulance Ltd, TV On the Radio, Muse, etcetera, until slowly but surely i fell head over heels deeply in love with Interpol. Alas, it turned out to be one of those unrequited affairs that bruised & beautifully wrecked me to the core (i still cannot listen to them when i am feeling too low in myself).
   
   And that is what i mean when i say i love my music.
   
   
6. Some have argued that i am slightly mad. Or, as a past bedfellow sweetly put, 'funny in the head'.
   
   
7. I have a British accent [apologies here to all Brits as said 'accent' of mine is piercingly & offensively gruesome] when i'm...er...illegally intoxicated.
   
   
8. Like any innocent North American girl, i have a soft spot for accents. Any accents. The Indian-English accent in particular is most effective in causing my brain to short-circuit due to its uber brilliance.
   
   
9. I am a born Canadian from Vietnamese origins who loves olf American movies, French literature and - as #7 and #8 implies - Anglo-Saxons. Globalization rocks my world.
   
   
10. I am a faghag.
    
    
11. I wear glasses and don't want to fix that.
    
    
12. I have crooked teeth and don't want to fix that either.
    
    
13. I probably am 'potbellied', 'paunchy', 'one-size-too-big-for-a-twig' now that we're at it, but am too lazy to care/fix that as well.
    
    
14. I am generally a lazy bum.
    
    
15. I am a Marathon Eater (as oppose to a Sprint Eater or a Mass Eater), and can eat non-stop for 5 hours straight.
    
    
16. My Asian blood causes me to turn red by half of my first glass of wine.
    
    
17. I have a sister 8 years my senior, and though we are quite different, she has really become my best-friend (admittedly not without some hefty work). It is as surprisingly pleasant & corny as it sounds.
    
    
18. I have always wanted to have an older brother. Which is probably why i mostly have male friends. I think boys are funny. Much funnier than my sister, in any case [still love her though].
    
    
19. I'm a Scorpio. As a self-proclaimed rational girl, i obviously don't believe any of this astrology crap. Tch. But...strangely, most of what i've read about Scorpios have been true. Coincidentally...
    
    
20. ...I have a tattoo of a Scorpio sign.
    
    
21. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life, and in honour of my Twelve-Year-Old Self, i never will.
    
    
22. I have two [main] alteregos: the aforementioned Twelve-Year-Old, a little hardass feminist Commi who constantly reminds me what a disappointment i turn out to be. She has a whip. My Seventeen-Year-Old Self is a quiet anarchist in love & war. She carries a gas tank & hides matches in her pockets. She's really the nicer one. Most of the time.
    
    
23. I am more fluent in French. Until i set foot in a French community.
    
    
24. The only subconscious psychological trait i seem to take from my ethnic background is that i'm really but a submissive little Asian girl who asks nothing else than to be subdued.
    
    
25. I'm the aunty to a fat imaginary Japanese kid named Geosu adopted by my friend, J. I will teach him to become an assassin.
    
    
26. I grew up watching epic kung-fu movies in lieu of Disney's fairy tales.
    
    
27. I appropriate various things Asian, and looking like an Asian myself, i feel i have shameless right to it.
    
    
28. I fear the Vietnamese community like leprosy.
    
    
29. I love taking long hot showers & the extensive pampering that ensues (which involves massive rubbing of creams and touching of myself [cf. #4]).
    
    
30. My mount Everest is Africa. If i can go there, and come back sane, i would consider myself as 'Made It' in this lifetime.
    
    
31. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I believe things are much more complicated than it always is. I don't believe in God, Allah, Shiva et al. nor do i believe in Destiny. I do believe Jesus & Bouddha kicked major arses.
    
    
32. I don't want to have children.
    
    
33. ....But in some warped alternate fantastical life where i do, i'd name them Jude, Sadie & Prudence. So when they grow up, they can say 'yeah, our mum was kinda crazy about The Beatles'...
    
    
34. I have unresolved issues with Fear, Guilt, Patience and Trust. And Commitment. But i'm working on that last one.
    
    
35. I don't like raisins, celery, beans, peas, cauliflower or olives. Even less when mixed together.
    
    
36. I also do not eat duck due to a summer spent at my aunt & uncle's house at the tender age of 11, involving - among warm fond memories - the slaughter of the bird in the name of culinary refinement. I can still hear its muffled cries at night.
    
    
37. I am secretely engaging a war against cell phones.
    
    
38. For some reason unbeknownst to me, i am entranced by creamy textures, be it liquid cement or melted chocolate. Iused to beat eggwhites with sugar when i was but a wee child just to marvel at the languid transformation, and then ate it - uncooked, because i didn't quite know how yet. I was sick for three days. I don't do that anymore. Obviously.
    
    
39. I work part-time as a 'waitress'. The quotes are to indicate, apologetically, to all other real waiters how i seriously suck at it. However, i am grateful to have somehow managed to keep this job thus far.
    
    
40. There's nothing that annoys me more [barely beating over unflushed public toilets and gushy soap when water was not emptied out from the soap tray... oh! and when you find hair in the tub! *shudder* ] than dining with a Can-I-Have-The-Salad-Dressing-On-The-Side-Without-The-Lettuce-Or-Any-Vegetables and While-You're-At-It-Can-You-Change-The-Chicken-To-A-Filet-With-No-Sauce and Make-The-Waiter-Do-Headflips-As-Fast-As-He-Can-With-My-Food-For-I-Have-Piercingly-Urgent-Things-To-Do-Because-I-Am-The-Queen-Of-The-Fucking-Universe person who NEVER finishes her plate anyway as she's on a DIET! Grr. (Ahem - not that i have anyone in particular in mind...)
    
    
41. I don't usually whine. I do it here because... I don't usually whine.
    
    
42. My mum used to say that for every grain of rice that we did not finish in our bowl, it was to turn into a larvae for us to feast upon in the afterlife. As a direct result of this, i always finish my rice. Oh, and um, i don't like to waste... (But mostly the larvae thing.)
    
    
43. I would like to live in Melbourne, Australia one day.
    
    
44. I have penis envy.
    
    
45. I'm strangely attracted to the nerdy/geeky types.
    
    
46. I tend to become actively aggressive with passive-aggresives.
    
    
47. If you make me laugh, i am YOURS.
    
    
48. Despite my best efforts, i hold grudges for a very long time.
    
    
49. Audrey Hepburn is my goddess.
    
    
50. When i was growing up, i wanted to be a jewel thief.
    
    
51. When i realized that woud require a minimum of physical dexterity, i opted for plan B: open a brothel.
    
    
52. The Religious Right scare the begesus out of me.
    
    
53. I have to press all the bubbles on plastic cup covers before i drink from it.
    
    
54. I love heights: i love climbing trees, being on airplanes & on top of mountains.
    
    
55. I go a wee bit psychopathologically angry when it is sunny and/or hot for more than four days straight. Which i understand can be a bit of a problem for #43.
    
    
56. I love interior design, and cannot help from redecorating in my head all the houses/appartments i visit as if they were mine. And then, i pretend i live there.
    
    
57. I dream of singing in a karaoke bar, or on Broadway.
    
    
58. I cannot sing.
    
    
59. Nothing makes me feel sexier than good hair & a pair of matching undies. Unfortunately, only i seem to notice these rare phenomena.
    
    
60. I would like to play the cello.
    
    
61. My name in Vietnamese means 'happiness [bringing/sign of]'. Oh the irony.
    
    
62. I had a crush on Mickey Mouse when i was 7, and adorned his iconic print on the sides of my glasses. Even i don't want to analyse this one.
    
    
63. I can develop strong obsessive emotional attachment to fictitious people's lives. Especially those in Oz.
    
    
64. My dreams often involve me being chased by, or chasing something or someone. You'd think they don't mean anything, would you?
    
    
65. I love moving & cleaning.
    
    
66. I would like to be incinerated [once i'm dead, preferably].
    
    
67. And in these fabulous can't-really-afford-on-my-student-budget brown leather boots that i got last year for my birthday. I believe that in the right footwear, i can kick ass in any realm.
    
    
68. I don't take compliments very well, though i'm learning to. Due in no small part to this one i received from my high school English teacher (aka mentor & savior) who lent me this: "You are a perfect jewel. For the truly wonderful it just takes a while to find the right setting and you...my dear...are a multifaceted jewel". *sigh*
    
    
69. Apparently, i attract the mad.
    
    
70. I love the sound of wind through tree tops.
    
    
71. I love thunderstorms & snowstorms.
    
    
72. I love a lot of things very easily & passionately. I wish it was as simple to fall in love.
    
    
73. I would like to time-travel.
    
    
74. The word 'penetration' arouses me.
    
    
75. I do not have a social filter, which is perhaps the main cause to generally embarrasing occurances in my presence. Often, at my expense.
    
    
76. I wish that would bother me more. Honestly.
    
    
77. I just can't be bothered.
    
    
78. My criminal career began a little before the age of 2, when i shoplifted a little stuffed dog, hid it in my trolley, and waited until we were safe outside to cheerfully show my mum my bounty. She was both horrified & proud.
    
    
79. When I was in elementary school, i lied, skipped class, faked my mum's signature. No one knew, no one suspected. That was also the moment when i realized looking like a good Asian girl has its upside.
    
    
80. I did not enjoy it though. Fiendishly proud but not something i liked - especially the lying part. Ergo, i stopped aforementioned behaviours when i entered high school. Am really a good conventional girl at heart (though such talent can never truly go away, can it? mouahahahaAHAHAHA...ahem.)
    
    
81. I cannot whistle, ride a bike without holding the handles, drive a car, and follow a plan.
    
    
82. I tend to dwell in insignificant things a tad too much.
    
    
83. If i get a pet dog, i would name it Bob. Just because i don't know anyone named Bob. And i enjoy saying, 'BOB! STOP SHAGGING THAT LOG!'.
    
    
84. Ostensibly, i look like my mum and have my dad's character.
    
    
85. I generally prefer salty food to sweets.
    
    
86. Yet dark chocolate & milk wins every battle.
    
    
87. I don't like Spring.
    
    
88. I sometime talk & laugh to myself in public. And then laugh at myself for talking & laughing to myself.
    
    
89. I also break out in song & dance. But that's only when i think no one notices...
    
    
90. I wanted to be named Sacha were i a spy.
    
    
91. I never had a serious boyfriend, having only recently been able to say the word 'boyfriend' without shuddering in utter fear being one of the [many] reasons for lack thereof.
    
    
92. My skin is cursed: i scar very easily, and occuring scars hatefully never heal.
    
    
93. I am allergic to mosquito bites. They won't kill me but due to Cursed Skin, some might think i was infected by a fatal skin disease.
    
    
94. I despise mosquitoes. Even more than cats. D-E-S-P-I-S-E!
    
    
95. I don't pick up the telephone when i don't know who it is. And as with every passing day i am ever so closer to perfect my extrasensory perceptiveness, please leave a message after the tone.
    
    
96. I am a closet egotistical hypochondriac. And a self-diagnosed paranoid.
    
    
97. I get sad when i approach the end of a good book, regardless of whether it is itself sad or not.
    
    
98. I've had the Depression (really) for 6 years now. I prefer thinking of it as having an uninvited bitterly pessimistic aunt around all the time. Sometime she's asleep, sometime she's a bitch.
    
    
99. I can't believe finding one hundred things about me can be so goddamn hard...
    
    
100. As J pointed out when we were both... er, illegally intoxicated, i am 'annoyingly interesting'. I added the interesting part.

the lake

I am tired.

I tend to get this way when i have been Socializing A Lot, so i know it's not something to be alarmed about. I'm just tired 'a lot' means more than three social interactions....

I spent last weekend in Toronto visiting family. I also had my first real Thanksgiving dinner. With the stuffed turkey, cranberry sauce, gravy & homemade smashed potatoes. I saw my only surviving Grandmother who is rapidly becoming senile, although happily, she is still able to remember everyone. She will be living with my parents for a while. I also got to catch up with my younger cousins who are now mostly starting, or worrying about getting into University. Who are so tall now. And so young. Who have so much potential. Who are so optimistic about what life has to offer to them. It makes my heart ache.

I love my family. And i love my friends. Truly. I appreciate them as they are, screwed up & dysfunctional, mad & loud & obnoxious, naive or bitter, but marvelously mine. And i am grateful for every minute i have with them. I just wish... I just wish i could be more.

To everyone, i am this open, and honest, and grounded young woman. Yet...there is a place, a small turbulent crater inside me that i jealously keep guarded. And to the rare few who are aware of such a place, i instinctively try to shield them from it as much as i can. Because i don't want to impose. Because i don't want to drag. Because it's nobody's business. Because i don't know what to say. Or how to explain. Or where to start. It's just there. And there's nothing i can do to get rid of it. Nothing.

And i wish i needn't feel i have to edit myself. Pretend & hide. That i am not overwhelmed, and paralysed with fear & pain to do more. To be more. For them.

I hate it. I hate how i havent' got the nerve to let anyone know about this. About me. I hate how i am unable to be completely honest with them. I hate how eventhough no one in my life is aware of this virtual space, i am still scared about revealing too much of myself here. I hate how i cannot be as nice, as brave, as strong or as generous as i would like to be to those i care about. I hate how i care so easily. I hate how i hate. The ignorant, the judgemental, the close-minded, the complacent, the passive. I hate how they pull me down. So easily. I hate how i can be ignorant, judgemental, close-minded, complacent, and passive. I hate how selfish i am. I hate how after everything i've been through, after all the help i've gotten, i still end up here. I hate this endless route. It's a cul-de-sac.

And worse, i hate how i miss JP. And Mr. S. And K. I miss all these people who i secretely took refuge in, who have meant so much to me when i needed them to, and who could mean so much to me had i let them. I hate how i am unable to forget. And how i keep hoping.... Eventhough i know better.

And i know better. That i don't want to be 'saved'. That anyone who will - who could - save me would mean nothing at all. And i know no one is a hero. Least of all me.

It's just that i am so tired....







But I know it's not anything to be alarmed about. I know i'm not the first, or even the only one to feel this. And i know i will feel better. And i will keep trying. Because i still can. Because i still want to. Eventhough in a while, i will stumble back. Right here. Again. To this place that will not go away.

i found out

I am addicted to shopping on Amazon. I bought two CDs (Nouvelle Vague, vol. 1 & 2 - the Special Edition one, no less...), and two books (A Heart So White by Javier Marias, recommended by this lovely gal, and a fantastic architecture hardcover on Frank Gerhy) for the first time ever on the website a few weeks ago, and saved a bundle of moolah, baby! Plus, nice little packages get delivered to me in the mail! (and surely the surprise of receiving any packages in the mail is sheer & utter delight in itself no matter what marvel - capable of turning populations into a biological threat or not - may lie inside.)

Now, i cannot stop. They keep suggesting products to me, and though i am no fool to their marketing tactics, i am still overwhelmed with desire for EVERY SINGLE ITEM! Bastards. BUT! i do get to save money - on books, and DVDs, and CDs i've always wanted, all the goodies i can't find (am too lazy to look) elswehere, and let's not forget the free shipping. All this, and I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO MOVE MY ARSE! Bloody brilliant bastards!*

I finally get what this whole internet hoopla is all about. Should now move on to this Free Porn thing i keep hearing of then....



* Surely, i do realize nobody is unaware of this revealing piece of information but please, humour me. I just got a goddamn blog.

i'm with the pilots

Although i did not know much about Ladytron, i reckoned some weird electronica coupled with time with some friends i haven't seen in a while (and a promise of beer tucked in there somewhere) would be good enough a reason to pay the 25$ the ticket cost. Lo & behold, i had a hoot of a time, and my blood was alcohol free! Huzzah!

The opening band, CSS (an acronym in Portugese for "Cansei de Ser Sexy", or 'Tired of Being Sexy' - gold! ) had me completely danced out by the very start. They are a rocking Brazilian sixtet, with five of the cutest badass little girls if i ever saw any (i just wanted to grab the lead singer, tuck her in me pocket, bring her home, bathe her, and feed her, and dress her, and play with her, and make her my very own little singing doll!), and an ambiguously pimpish-looking drummer (t'was probably the mustache & overall dirtiness that gave it away). The audience, despite my reserve for them being pseudo-intellectual electronica elitists, was marvellously fabulous [Emo Kids aside]! Never have i seen so many fags & their hags at a concert before*. They even happily obliged said Cute Lead Singer Doll in her choreagraphed dance sequence, and JOINED IN! It was the closest thing to an Olivia Newton-John's rendition of 'Physical' that i'll ever get to be apart of. I beemed.

When Ladytron finally came in, things settled down a bit. Admittedly, i was a tad disappointed thinking that the fun was all over. The music was great - ambient & syntholicious - but after shaking my little behind to tiny teeny rockers, suddenly falling to seriously uber coolness wasn't so...well, cool. Thankfully, by 'Seventeen' - the only song i actually knew - the tunes soon picked up, and gladly saw me practicing my new Jagged Dance Move. *double thumbs up* Even the two seemingly straight-arrow beefy blase guys in front of me looked at eachother at one point, smiled, nodded as if to say 'yes, we men approve the rocking goodness of this', then proceeded into a frenzy dance. Oh so not geeky-musical-snobs indeed.

That'll show me to bare such prejudices in the future.

(Except for Emo's . They are the devil's pawns.)



*us excluded, that is.