Saturday, October 28, 2006

smile like you mean it

I've been feeling a little...volatile these days.
Vagrant, vexed, vacillant, vagarious, vicious. Vvvvvvvvv.

Perhaps because it's raining. Again.
Or because i've been ingesting cafeine twice in an hour.
Or because it's that time of the month.
Or perhaps because my birthday is coming up very soon.
Or maybe it's all of the above.

I remember when i turned 20. It took all the strength i had not to fall apart. Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart... Erm, no. Sorry, got a tad carried away there. What i meant to say was, it took all the strength i had not to sob on the cake as i blew out the candles. (Right. There you go. It's hard to start a sentence like that and not carry through its usual disco destiny. Um. Carry on, now.) I did not want to cry because i felt old (tch, i'm not that insipid). They had asked me to make a wish as the tradition goes, and suddenly, shockingly, it overwhelmed me. There were so many things to wish for, things that would not - that could not - happen... I remembered what i thought 20 would be like as a kid and i was so so far from it. I wasn't smarter, wiser, stronger, more confident, or the least bit 'together'. I was a complete & utter wreck. I was more of a mess than i ever was... Or ever thought could be...

I am far from where i was four years ago. I suppose that is something. That is a lot, actually. And look - i'm still a mess! Yay! But i've learned to get used to it, i guess. I've learned to accept it. À l'apprivoiser. And i've also learned not to fret so much about it.

I just remember when i was 12 years old, and thinking that the next time 'my' year - the Year of the Dog - would to come again, i'd be 24. It was such an unfathomable fantasy... Well i'll be 24 now. And it's the Year of the Dog. My year. My 12-year-old self would believe this should mean somehting. But it doesn't, does it? It's just another year. It's just another number. And it's just me. A complete mess. And okay with it. (Or at least once these damn cramps go away.)

Now, everyone scoot together and sing 'I Will Survive'.


arb® said...

24 was the year i had an emotional breakdown. i lost my job by quitting. the lease on my apartment ran out and i let it. my mom didn't want me to come home because she felt i needed to elarn how to handle my life by myself without being a burden to others. and my relationship with my boyfriend at the time disintegrated because his parents couldn't accept me because i am adopted. i ran away to korea for four years. it was a nice break.

this year i turned 30. i'm also still a mess ,but at least i'm in therapy and taking something. i am not in a relationship. i am holed up in a studio apartment watching law and order: criminal intent most sundays. and i'm still a bit of a mess...wait did i say that already.

buti can't blieve it's just another year of suffering and grief ahead of me. i wo't let it be. even if the undercurrent in my life is one that threatens to pull me under to the bottom, i'm going to live like it's intentional.

i am considering running off to another country to live for a couple years though. but that's pie in the sky right now. i've still got a test and an application process i have to conquer before that becomes a reality.

so happy birthday in advance. you've earned it!

vapidly vibrant said...

Thank you! So far, being 24 feels just about...the same!

Personally, i tend to be pessimistic about these things, and although 'living like it's intentional' is also exactly what i try to do, i don't expect anything miraculous to happen as in 'I'll be HAPPY' and/or at peace anytime soon, that's what i mean. I do however think i would like to get off my anti-depressants soon, which ironically causes me much anxiety in return :s. It should be interesting to see how that goes...

For what it's worth, good luck to you & your many exciting projects in any case. And running away to another country is a grand idea indeed!