I am tired.
I tend to get this way when i have been Socializing A Lot, so i know it's not something to be alarmed about. I'm just tired 'a lot' means more than three social interactions....
I spent last weekend in Toronto visiting family. I also had my first real Thanksgiving dinner. With the stuffed turkey, cranberry sauce, gravy & homemade smashed potatoes. I saw my only surviving Grandmother who is rapidly becoming senile, although happily, she is still able to remember everyone. She will be living with my parents for a while. I also got to catch up with my younger cousins who are now mostly starting, or worrying about getting into University. Who are so tall now. And so young. Who have so much potential. Who are so optimistic about what life has to offer to them. It makes my heart ache.
I love my family. And i love my friends. Truly. I appreciate them as they are, screwed up & dysfunctional, mad & loud & obnoxious, naive or bitter, but marvelously mine. And i am grateful for every minute i have with them. I just wish... I just wish i could be more.
To everyone, i am this open, and honest, and grounded young woman. Yet...there is a place, a small turbulent crater inside me that i jealously keep guarded. And to the rare few who are aware of such a place, i instinctively try to shield them from it as much as i can. Because i don't want to impose. Because i don't want to drag. Because it's nobody's business. Because i don't know what to say. Or how to explain. Or where to start. It's just there. And there's nothing i can do to get rid of it. Nothing.
And i wish i needn't feel i have to edit myself. Pretend & hide. That i am not overwhelmed, and paralysed with fear & pain to do more. To be more. For them.
I hate it. I hate how i havent' got the nerve to let anyone know about this. About me. I hate how i am unable to be completely honest with them. I hate how eventhough no one in my life is aware of this virtual space, i am still scared about revealing too much of myself here. I hate how i cannot be as nice, as brave, as strong or as generous as i would like to be to those i care about. I hate how i care so easily. I hate how i hate. The ignorant, the judgemental, the close-minded, the complacent, the passive. I hate how they pull me down. So easily. I hate how i can be ignorant, judgemental, close-minded, complacent, and passive. I hate how selfish i am. I hate how after everything i've been through, after all the help i've gotten, i still end up here. I hate this endless route. It's a cul-de-sac.
And worse, i hate how i miss JP. And Mr. S. And K. I miss all these people who i secretely took refuge in, who have meant so much to me when i needed them to, and who could mean so much to me had i let them. I hate how i am unable to forget. And how i keep hoping.... Eventhough i know better.
And i know better. That i don't want to be 'saved'. That anyone who will - who could - save me would mean nothing at all. And i know no one is a hero. Least of all me.
It's just that i am so tired....
But I know it's not anything to be alarmed about. I know i'm not the first, or even the only one to feel this. And i know i will feel better. And i will keep trying. Because i still can. Because i still want to. Eventhough in a while, i will stumble back. Right here. Again. To this place that will not go away.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I am tired.