Friday, March 9, 2007

neighborhood #4 (7 kettles)

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that all the ‘unpleasant’ things that have happened in my life (or anybody’s for that matter) were good because it was meant to bring me where I am today. I believe that it is slightly delusional and presumptuously self-serving to think there is some higher hand that invisibly guides us through life towards the best possible version of ourselves, and if there is a god at all, out of all the creatures that could be alive in the entire universe, it’d care about us to meddle in our little lives. Like natural selection, I believe things just happen. Whatever the outcome, may it be good or bad, can be at best considered as the result of survival in the big scheme of things, and that we simply do our best with what we have. And if circumstances were different, or if only you knew what you know now, if you chose to go out with that Sweet Gawky Dude instead of Badass Intellectual, or gone to that trip a day earlier, or later, or had made that damn phone call instead of stupidly holding on to your pride, things might be entirely different today. And more disturbingly, unbearably better.

If I had a chance, if I was living in some bad sci-fi novel, I’d fight to be the first one to try out its time machine. I’d go back to the year 2000, June 20th, a little after midnight to be exact. Prom Night. Or, The Last Time I Ever Saw Him. JP-him. Yes, I know…. I’m not even sure what I would say to him now. There was a time where I would spend all my days desperately willing myself to turn back the clock so I could change his mind, so I could be with him, tried my best to make him want to stay. And then wishing that i'd see him in my nights. Now though... I’m not too sure anymore. Knowing what I know.... Yet I’d still want to go back. If only to see him again. To feel him again. Or just to make sure that he knew how much I cared. How much I loved. How much I’d miss him. And how I understand. And I do. That’s why I know it would be meaningless to change his mind after all.

If I had the chance, I would go to a different college right after high school. I’d still study in Natural Sciences but would add some classes in Interior Design as well (I checked the programs). I’d still like to attend the same University I do now, still like to major in the same program, but I’d take a minor in Art History (or vice versa) and be more involved in design/arts internships and opportunities. I’d know exactly which classes to take, how to go about preparing for an interesting career, a planned future. The right life. Because my mind would be so much less cluttered and thus clear to finally live it. I could also go to Graduate School afterwards, perhaps, or decide to get an Architecture degree after all when I came back from Europe. I haven’t decided about that part yet. There would be so many things I’d do differently instead of what i'd done. Wasting my time away. The Best Years of Your Life, as they so often warn you but for whatever reason, whether it be because you think they were patronizing, or because you didn’t care, or because it was too late, you didn’t listen. And suddenly, there they are, the first part of your twenties gone in a few puddles of tears. And you realize you haven’t only missed out on unimaginably delicious delusional relationships & experiences but the luxury to expand your mind through ways that were delivered to you on a silver platter. And you can never have them back.

If I had that chance, I’m not entirely sure I’d be happier. But at least I would not wonder, I would not yearn, I would not regret and so terribly miss…. And I would not be here. Now. Wondering what might have been.

But this is not a sci-fi novel, is it? There isn’t any way for me to ever bend the space/time continuum, is there? It isn't fiction, it isn't a television program. It's just us, with our little lives.

And if I try really hard at not being so defeatist & pessimistic, I… wait a second, I don’t know how to finish that sentence…









Oh, right, here it is:

I am terribly grateful for the things I do have. The family, the opportunities, the privilege. There is nothing I would change about that part. It's criminally undeserved, honestly. And I know I have come a long way, and even if I could come back, I’d have to go through something similar to what I’ve lived through to clear enough of my head in order to do everything I’ve set out to do should I go back in the first place, which would therefore render everything equal in the end, and whether I stay here or travel back in time would ultimately be inconsequential.

(Disregard that last paragraph – it made more sense in my head, I swear. Really. Not that it is of any comfort, of course, but i figured it was a good enough argument for me. Right. Carry on.)

Actually, no. That’s all I got.

Have a nice weekend now.

7 comments:

Jay said...

My life is not what I thought it would be, and maybe I didn't take the most direct route to get here, but I still wouldn't change anything. I've had some amazing experiences, some major heartbreaks, but I like where I am, and I don't regret how I got here.

Rosanna said...

It made sense on the screen, too.

I love the idea of going back in time - of changing the mistakes I made. Luckily there is always alcohol.

Pomgirl said...

I still think life is mostly shit and awful, and then sometimes...it's not.

*hugs*

Chris said...

The sad thing is that if you could live it over again, you'd only bugger it up in a completely different way.

Um, I don't mean you specifically, you understand! One would bugger it up. As her madge would say.

There's nothing wrong with regret, I don't think. But to be healthy it is best not to dwell on the past.

There, now I have said it I just have to learn to do it!

I will pop by later if I think of any more unhelpful platitudes!

vapidly vibrant said...

Jay, yes, very good, but...isn't there something, anything, you wish you could redo? Or not necessarily change, but just to have more time with, take the moment in a little deeper, had you known, for instance, that it was the last? I mean, even Ol'Blue Eyes had a few regrets! Then again, too few to mention, i guess...:)

Ah, Rosanna, no truer words were spoken. Cheers, girl!

Miss Pom - :). It is quite unsettling how life works, isn't it? Thank you muchly for the hug.

Mister Chris, i sure hope so! Your 'unhelpful platitudes' are nicely welcomed anytime ^_^.
But, i figured, if i had at least those things, the well-planned academic foundation, the peace of mind, then i could deal with the other things that i would bugger up much better, yes?...

Right. Well, the Trick of course is to not dwell too much, and actually liking where you are... And as a wise lady once told me, 'be patient, my dear, be patient...' (Actually, i'm not so sure if it's a real lady at all, or a phantom movie character in my mind...:S)

Hugs to all of yous!

Or a virtual pint of beer for those with aversion to hugs. On me :).

Chris said...

I don't have an aversion to hugs, but if I will get a pint out of it I will pretend to have one.

Eurgh, hugs!

vapidly vibrant said...

Um, sure, okay. But... i could give out both. I'm very generous that way. Especially when they are virtual.