can't stop the spring

Oh Holy Mother of Crap! It feels like bloody fucking SPRING out there today! And it's only bloody fucking FEBRUARY!?

*whimpers*

And i can't concentrate on anything.
And i can't remember a single thing about this paper i'm reading.
And i don't even understand what the hell i'm reading.
ANd i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. Or why i'm doing it.
ANd i'm out of money.
And Godiva Dark Chocolate mix.
And there's a ginormous bouton on my chin.
And it fucking well hurts!

*wheezes*

If anyone needs me, i'll be hyperventilating in my closet.

***

[Later in the evening...]

Well, um, okay.

I'm tyring not to freak out too much, because, you know, it's some kind of unattractive. And messy. Wouldn't want to clean my room after my head explodes into a million tiny bits of bloody gelatin. It surely wouldn't help with the studying i must doing right now. But you see, thing is, i can't seem to bring myself to take in a single word that i am reading at the moment. All i can think about is that i don't want to be here, i don't want to do this anymore, and i just realized that i can't even graduate in time this summer so that i can finally pack my shits and run off for an indefinite amount of time forever to Europe in the fall because the courses i need to enroll for are not even offered this summer at all. So yes, i'm pretty much fucked, i am. I suppose i could fly over there during the summer instead and come back in September to take the goddamn 9 credits left to my degree, but firstly, that would be a real heavy strain on my budget, and secondly, i really don't want to go away and then take a break from that and come back to just leave again. It ruins the momentum, really. It sucks balls (and then gags, and sucks balls again. Which seriously puts a damper to the entire experience, if you ask me.) And the idea of delaying the departure (again!) until January 2008 quite frankly makes me physically ill. Which therefore leaves me but with one alternative - going away in August WITHOUT a university degree.

*breathes heavily in a paper bag*

How in the world did this happen? When did i turn into a college drop-out? Oh god, i am totally losing it....

Must.
Calm.
Down.





Of course, in the big scheme of things, this is not a big deal. Pff! I'm not the first one nor the only one to have gone through this! Countless of other folks have not/took years to finish university, and they turned out great! Top notch, even. Really, it's not like it's the end of the world at all, is it?!.... Oh, but dear christ, i'll be the only one in the family who is! (Even though that's not quite true either - my parents never finished their studies... but they had the excuse of being in the middle of a war, for crying out loud!) Oh god. My parents. It's bad enough that that i will be running off to a foreign country to be on my own WITHOUT PROPER MARRIAGE, i can't even imagine how they will react that i would do it WITHOUT A FUCKING DEGREE TO MY NAME! Actually, i can see it from here, really. My dad will bury his brow into a permanent sulk as my mum will desperately cry out to the Heavens, ask for what she had done wrong, and accuse me of matricide. The shame! How will i ever outlive the shame! I'll be one of those kids, you know, those kids they used to warn me about, who turned out to be 'bad', ungrateful bastards....

Fucking hell, i need to calm the fuck down.

*runs back into closet*