Saturday, February 24, 2007

one plus one is one

A friend of J asked him why it is that I am single. Here is what we came up with (in no particular order – bc, as with children, I don’t play favorites):

  • I fell to the floor laughing (or ROFL - look ma! i'm a kewl kid now!) while watching this (don't look ma! it's filthy!).
  • I start singing 'Ain't No Mountain' (or any song i recognize) when it's played in the restaurant (or anywhere, honestly).
  • For the entire length of it.
  • Complete with hand gestures.
  • I cannot eat a burger without getting all 10 fingers dripped with its mustard-mayo sauce. And some on my pants as well. (But hey! at least i have 10 fingers! AND pants! Double Score!)
  • I think Yucko the Clown is fucking hilarious (sensitive folks please abstain from clicking that link. Even not so sensitive folks, for that matter. Seriously. It's inanely offensive. Which tends to make me laugh everytime, sadly. Mostly when drunk. Maybe you should get drunk too? Cheerio!)
  • While chatting with J, and consequently decided that i'd be better off with his balls as he is obviously a 14-year-old girly-girl inside, i pretend to cut them off by making scissors with my hands and [frantically] sticking them to my crotch. [n.b.: We were in a Coffee Shop. In broad daylight. Sober.]
  • While discussing about porn and how inhumanely flexible some of these ladeez are with their enhanced titties, i, ridden with curiosity, try to see if i could ever cut it at such stardom by attempting to lick my own humble abodes, resulting in me looking like i am sniffing my armpit. [n.b.: This still occured in said Coffee Shop. I think i might've scared the middle-aged man sitting beside me.]
  • It occasionally often takes to me to do Fat Bastard's 'Dead Sexy' move (i.e. licking his fingers then rubbing his mipples) only to curse my girly boobies for preventing me from doing the imitation very well. (I do have some sense of social decency afterall. Tch.)
  • I am "insane" (J's word).
And now you know.

p.s. Please feel free to add to the list. Your charitable contribution will greatly be appreciated, not only by yours truly but by many single lads out there, i'm sure, who drunkenly & foolishly try to approach me. I thank you in advance on their behalf.


Boo said...

My dear you are single because men are generally crap and not worth the effort. I exaggerate. Men in the 20-40 age bracket, that is all.

And don't even think about coming anywhere near AUstralia to find someone either. It's not that they particularly like or dislike women, it's that they are COMPLETELY. INDIFFERENT. Gah!

Now Montreal on the other hand. I walked past some of those lovely tall stairs, and there was a longhaired French-looking chappie having a quiet smoke. I nearly DIED. Heaven!

vapidly vibrant said...

Hm, aren't Aussie men supposed to be all rugged and/or chauvinistic OR completely darling laidback gents? Or have i been naïvely mislead all this time?
As for men around here, i tell ya either they are pretentious bastards or lazy pansies. I know, i'm friends with them.

Now, i need a drink.

gorgondoza said...

pansies or not, they've got the penis