the sweets

As my shrink sits back comfortably in her green leather chair, it slightly swivels to the left to face me a little better. I haven't gone to see her in a while but that chair is as hideous as i remember it.

She is giving me that look. That Give-Me-A-Break-Girl look. I've just told her i was not going to have sex again. Or at least not until i leave for London.

"...And exactly why is that?", she carefully indulges me.

I take a bite out of the homemade chocolate fudge one of her *cough*kissass*cough* students gave her for Christmas, which she politely offered me (and which might win her the World Greatest Shrink Ever title) as i try to formulate my defense in the most reasonable & logical way possible.

"Well...", i begin as the fudge slowly melts in my mouth, "it has happened twice already and it is shitting me to no end quite frankly. The first time, i was a little intoxicated and - yes, although usually when i am in such a state, the little filter that i actually do have completely disappears, showing me whatever lies underneath in its purest form - like a Pandora's box, if you will - i still discarded it as simply Me Being High, y'know? BUT when it happened again - when i was completely sober & fully conscious, when i thought i really did like this guy, when he was smart, and funny, and nice, and had me all excited like a giddy little 14-year-old again, when everything went as satisfyingly as anyone could hope for, and it still slapped me in the face afterwards, well, it just confirms that my brain is utterly shite at the moment, and i just cannot risk having that occur to me another time, thankyouverymuch. Ergo, the Not Having Sex Again Policy."

'It' would be Mr. ASs' surprising & dramatic reappearance in my crap brain [this time withstanding but] whenever i have sex. Which is - let it be official - not exactly a turn on, considering the circumstances.

"And to be completely honest, i'm not even sure it's Mr. ASs himself whom i miss rather than what i had with him? Or at least how i felt when i was with him...", i continue as i quickly run my tongue along the back of my teeth to sweep any vestiges of chocolate that may remain. "I mean, when he first appeared to me, this was what i heard: 'Hey, this is what you want, girl, and you won't get it here with this bloke. Who are you trying to fool?'...! I mean, he was fucking TAUNTING me, canyoubelieveit?! But not with him, y'see. It was with what it was that i really wanted... Because as he was saying those words it was actually my Twelve-Year-Old Self's voice that i heard! And she HATES him!... Alright, so i was completely buzzed out : i'd also seen a two-dimensional white stick figure of Pinocchio earlier on, riding a bicycle over a black screen, who then turned into a 60's-like girl with cotton-drops earrings & shoes riding into a jungle, and when she had to pass over a dangerously narrow bridge & reached down the middle, it dropped to its lowest gravitational point where she suddenly burst into a half-bird half-butterfly winged creature and flew away. So yes, i was definitely pretty damned fucked up. But still..." I take the last piece of chocolate fudge into my mouth.

Neuroticism level: High. Sugar Level: Severe - About to bounce off walls.

"So what is it that you wanted... or want?" She then grabs a pen and proceeds into scratching her back all the while staring me down like a hawk. This woman is brilliant.
"Mwell...", i start, my mouth still full. "Ironno!"

Distress Level: High. Denial Level: Severe - Will turn 180 degree to backfire in face imminently. Over-Dramatisation Level: High - Consistent.

"Well, let me say this...". She puts down her pen. "And i may be a little biased here, but this is from someone who's...you know...been there, done that..." I smile. I love it when she gets all motherly on me. "I understand how we engage in sex so casually these days, and in some cases, why not? But sometimes, we get intimate far sooner than we get intimacy." Pause for effect. I smile again. "And in your case, you got that intimacy before you got intimate with Mr. ASs [as relatively little time that had actually required], whereas with these guys, it was just sex. Which is all good & well, but i think as long as you're still here, with your family & everything else, you won't allow yourself to let go and be completely free & open to become truly close with anyone... But not having sex again... It just doesn't sound like a feasible option either, to put it like that. Especially if you're a girl who likes chocolate that much!"

I smile and nod ponderously. The thing is, i know all of this. I know that there's a part of me that wants to go out there and date, and live, and experience all there is for any twenty something to experience. But another part of me is also not very good at it, i'm afraid. And that part wants to get attached, to grow and learn. And most of all, it wants to feel again. And i also know that as long as i am still here, as long as i have Project London hovering over my head for another couple of months until it can finally come into fruition, i cannot get attached. I cannot move & get on with my life. That Life. And that is what i want. I am in this psychological limbo where i am ready to jump ship but the ledge is not yet at my footstep. And it is starting to royally piss me off.

J has been offered a job by Big Corporate Company in the U.S. and though it may not be his initial first choice (and in the U.S. of Saint George), it is still a FANTASTIC opportunity, and i am genuinely so happy for him [and surprisingly a lot more than my cold selfish little self ever thought could ever be!]. JF (my other fag & also the Queen Bitch as i fondly like to refer to him) also landed a great first job in Fancy Drug Firm. I am oh so very proud & excited that my friends are such uber geniuses and getting to start this new chapter in their lives that i am beaming by simply living vicariously through them, really (i mean, what else does a faghag do?). But i also wish i could join them, you understand. I would like for them to be proud of me as well. And although i am nowhere near knowing what to do for the rest of my life, i have been sitting on this project for nearly two years now, and as i see all these folks running along with theirs, they & i alike would just want to fucking shoot it to the moon already.

"I mean, were you looking to get yourself attached with this guy? Because i don't quite understand why you would have to stop having sex until you leave since it wouldn't tie you down anyway if you're not. And there's no reason for not having a little fun before you leave..." She provocatively raises one eyebrow and gives me a complicit smile. Sometimes, i just wish we were at a bar with martinis in our hands so i can just drunkenly leap over and hug her.

"I suppose i was..." Despite my best efforts otherwise. "I was just happily surprised that i found myself excited over him. Over anything actually... I've been feeling a tad complacent over the last few months, and i just jumped on the first opportunity to feel something remotely similar to anything that was part of what i was truly craving for... And that's when Mr. ASs suddenly appeared..."

She shifts her weight over to her left side and gives me her I-Know-It's-Okay look. "I guess he's like a way for your mind to remind you of your true intentions, the ones that you may have forgotten or ignored, and keep you in check...". She then slowly smiles at me out of the corner of her mouth as she sees me refreshed in my memories. "I just find it very interesting that out of all things, it should be Pinocchio that you saw..."

*light bulb flashing above head*

"Ohmygod!...That is so interesting!..."

Girly Dorkiness Level: On the rise from Medium to High towards Grinning Squeals. Egocentrism Level: High.

"I have never thought of that one before..." [Nevermind that i had seen Shreck 2 previous to that fateful weekend and laughed like a tool through that scene where Pinocchio played a pivotal role & saved the day. This interpretation is so much more self-serving.]

"And how it turned into a girl going into a jungle... And then taking flight?...", she continues. Oh. My. Gawd. "I guess your censorship really does go down when you are high, in such a way that you are revealed to your true self and everything that you hold dear but somehow forgot..." She warmly smiles at me. And it feels like i've been picked up after being dropped out from someone's pockets.

Egocentrism Level: Severe - About to drown in pond.

"Well, on that lovely note, we have to end it here, my dear. And go have some fun if you feel like it. Just remember to be honest with yourself & your goal. Your Goal...", she wisely warns me. I can almost hear the horns & drums playing in the background. "Want another fudge for the ride home?"

She is the World Greatest Shrink Ever. And my brain is not shit! It is AWESOME!

*splash!*